With Thoughts of Jason
Caleb A. Mertz
© 2006 by Caleb A. Mertz.
Smashwords Edition
www.smashwords.com
All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
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Dedicated to my best friend ever Luis,
And to Leah, Naomi, and Carla
Chapter 1
Jason lay in his room with his cat Snickers listening to the festive noises coming from outside of his window. The birds were singing madly now that the weather broke from a severe thunderstorm. He stared out the window watching the dark clouds roll away allowing a great blue sky take its place. As he stared he thought about the secret that he had been keeping from everyone and how he was unlike any other kid in this town. They say that one in every ten teens is at least similar to him in this way. This thought comforted him, he was however very different from that other ten percent. He lay there getting ready to relax, completely unaware of the trials that lay ahead, due to the secret he held.
The sound of the birds and the slow soft music he was playing set the mood for some relaxation. Jason lit his candles and incense with the idea of relaxation fresh in his mind. He moved the small round candle on his exquisite display of candles and seashells. Plastic baby’s breath filled in the gaps, leading the eye in a very pleasing way. He always moved a candle or seashell to display his unsettledness. To keep the smoke from drifting outside he closed the window. As he did so his mother yelled up the stairs asking him if he could help her with picking fresh flowers. He did not answer; instead he laid back down summoning Snickers to do the same. Jason’s eyes wandered around the room as he realized how much he liked it, as it was as close to paradise as he could get.
Jason needed this time to reflect on the day he had. At school earlier Jason found himself walking along the corridor all alone. During this time his mind was fluttering with information the principal had just given him. He had the option of having teacher to student tutoring, since he was excelling in his math and science classes. These classes were already two grades beyond what others were taking. Jason was amazed to hear this news, and immediately his imagination began to soar.
Walking along this corridor Jason was on a pleasant thought of him sitting behind a computer receiving data from an exclusive humanoid that he himself constructed. He noticed a school newspaper on the floor and decided to pick it up. Jason, if in a good mood, would be happy to clean up after anybody. Upon initial interest he glanced at the headlines. “Do We Have What it Takes” with a picture of the football team huddled together. “Letters to John” followed by a picture of a kid that sat two rows in front of him in philosophy. Then there on the side was the headline that altered Jason’s state of being. “What’s the Issue: Homosexual’s Sin” followed by a picture of a grinning Seth. Seth sat right next to Jason in one of his classes. He was also assigned as his gym buddy in physical education. Jason only had long enough to read the first paragraph.
“Homosexual’s that live in the big cities have been coming out and around to rural settings. Infuriating the public and spreading disgust in everyone’s house. So I took a poll from fellow students on what they thought about this issue. Here is what I found…”
The bell rang in the classrooms and the hallways were quickly filled with fellow students. Jason had unnoticeably stopped walking and stared at this paper. He stood until someone called his name. He knew what he was, but there was nothing he could do about it. He began to walk again now with a noticeable new feeling in his stomach.
Walking into his first class after reading this paper his eyes darted around to find one. There only lay one paper with it folded out to see the whole front of the paper. Jason quickly snatched it up, folded it, and placed it securely in his psychology notebook. He so desperately wanted to read it, but kept it closed so as not to raise any suspicion.
Seth, the author of “What’s the Issue” walked into class with the usual crew of three other guys. They took their usual seats, and remained unsettled, as usual. Today however, Jason was noticing more looks in his direction than usual, quickly followed by the ritual cackling. This spectacle unnerved Jason, so he tried his best to keep attentive to yesterday’s notes.
“Jason…” Seth started in a whisper loud enough for the whole class to hear. “I noticed you like to talk with your hands.” The whole class broke out with laughter, and Jason turned red with embarrassment. He wasn’t sure why everyone found that so funny, but he was sure it had to do with this elusive article. Seth had always made it a point to say at least once a day that Jason was gay.
“I also heard that you have a lot of girlfriends,” He said laughing at how funny it was to humiliate Jason. “Well not girlfriends, just girls that are friends.” The whole class roared with laughter once again. Jason was getting irritated, and was sick of letting anyone make fun of him the way they were.
“It’s all here on the list Jason. Why don’t you take a look?” Seth pulled the paper out of his notebook and opened it for Jason to see. Looking over the list Jason was amazed at how he really did fall into about nine of the ten categories on “How to spot a Homosexual.”
“Hmm, it’s funny though Seth…” Jason started, now finally at his breaking point. “Your mom fits just about every category here.” Jason was happy with the way this came out, but maybe it came out too well. He wasn’t quick enough to block Seth from rushing him. Seth’s head plowed into Jason’s arm as he came in low to get the most leverage as practiced on most football teams. Jason’s desk toppled over and landed on his shoulder. A smile cracked his face however when he saw the bloody tooth Seth now held in his hand. The legs of the desk flew out catching him in the mouth and knocking a tooth out. Blood was oozing from his mouth now. Seth, red from pain, shot out of the classroom to the nurse’s office.
Everyone sat there, at first, in complete silence. The noise quickly increased, and started to make Jason sick. He pulled the paper, now on the floor, toward him so he could read this omniscient article. He was appalled at the blatant disregard of any couth, and moral toward homosexuals. The underlying slander made Jason only feel sicker.
He got up and went to the bathroom just to get away from it all. Usually he would have been bound on the guidance department, but not this time. No one really knew what this was like. Jason looked at the mirror at first, taking in every flaw, and feature on him. He then began to not look at the mirror, but beyond the mirror. He stared into its unknown depths with dark corners for a while, before the tears began to flow. Jason was thinking about many things, all at the same time. His mind soon became foggy and unbearable. He just wanted to jump out of his body, and stop this process known as thinking. When it settled that he couldn’t actually do this he threw his hands to the back of his head and gripped a handful of hair. Pulling tight, he cried. Squeezing his head between his arms, pulling harder on his hair. I’m gay. They hate me because I’m gay. ‘Hey Jason.’ What the hell do I do? Screaming as loud as he could, “Oh god I’m gay.” He cried now, down into his elbows. They rested now on the top of the sink.
When the teacher found him, he was as in good a mood as usual. The bell rang for the next class, and Jason began to walk away. “Jason, what happened?” Asked the philosophy teacher.
“Just a little immaturity and a lot of thinking.” Jason said quoting yesterday’s notes on High School philosophy he had memorized at the beginning of class.
Chapter 2
Jason’s mother closed the door to the attic after not getting a response from Jason and headed back downstairs. She was a pleasantly plump lady, as was everyone in his family, and she had dark brown hair. The wrinkles that had settled into her skin over the years were few, and barely detectable. Her cheeks were always rosy and she had green eyes that were complimented by any outfit. Jason carried many of his mother’s own looks. He had brown eyes instead of blue and the nose and jaw were inherited from his father. This combination made for a very attractive young man. Jason’s attractiveness was, however; obscured by his weight. Jason was chubby, not fat. This was one thing that Jason made conscious attempts to remedy. For some reason unknown he couldn’t conjure the will power needed to make this great change. Upon her returning to the back porch to get back to doing what she was doing her youngest daughter, Melissa, sat intrigued watching her. Jason’s mother was making the detergent that was so often made to wash their clothing with. Mother taught Melissa each step so that she could help her in the future. Melissa was a simple-minded girl being enthused by the smallest things, and confused very easily. She loved the simple pleasures of life because they applied to her so well. With long black hair, and easily tanning skin she was a sight to see. However just like her brother, her weight was her issue.
Jason lay in his bed so relaxed that he was on the verge of sleeping. The tape deck suddenly stopped. The click of the button shook him from his state of relaxation. Then the switch from relaxed to an alarmed state at the sound of his mother’s screams was instant. He clambered down the stairs as fast as his legs would carry him. His mother’s screams were still heard from out front of the house. Jason slammed the door open to see his youngest sister, Melissa, lying on the side of the road. Jason’s eyes immediately began swelling as his mother kneeled by her side screaming for some one to call 9-11. Jason ran to the phone and began dialing, not even knowing what has happened to his sister.
The operator did not seem to understand the severity of this phone call. Her voice was calm and unconcerned, while he was screaming frantically. As soon as the sirens were heard Jason let her know and hung up the phone. The sound of the sirens only seemed to have increased the terror that floated in the air. He ran back to the street where Melissa lay crying one hand on her head, and the other on her left leg.
There was a crowd of people that Jason had to fight his way through to get to his sister. “…She was running across to catch the cat. It is all my fault, I yelled at her for not closing the door when he ran out and she ran after…” His mother sobbed fear, guilt, and terror of what may come flooding her beet red skin. “It’s all my fault,” She continued to say as the EMT’s rushed over to her cutting their way through the crowd.
“What’s happened here?” The female EMT asked looking directly at Jason’s mother.
“She got hit by a car while running after our cat!” She screamed at the EMT. Jason watched in horror, as Melissa was loaded onto the stretcher. He was then able to see more damage, her left leg looked huge, and she was bleeding all over the place.
“Go on with Melissa and I will bring the other kids to the hospital,” The next-door neighbor said.
“Could you just watch them for a little while; their dad’ll be here shortly.” She cried out of the back of the ambulance.
“Okay,” the neighbor said, not being heard as the back doors of the ambulance were slammed shut and the sirens sound again. Jason ran up into his bedroom in a right fit. He began crying and punching the air in distress. If he had only helped his mother as she had asked him to. He was selfish and only wanted to do as he wanted. Jason flung himself onto his bed and shoved his hands over his eyes to control the flow of tears. Thoughts continued to pound through his head as he tried to imagine what might be happening to Melissa.
Someone began knocking on his door when he jumped up. Outside was Kyle, Jason’s brother yelling “Dad’s here.”
“Okay I’m coming,” Jason yelled back reaching for his night coat. The trip to the hospital went so quickly with everything flooding through Jason’s head, helping to keep him occupied.
Upon reaching the hospital they all climbed the stairs to Melissa’s room. They made it to the Intensive Care unit before long. All their names were written on little badges that they each had clipped to their shirts. They continued to climb the stairs as the smell of the hospital heightened Jason’s senses, making him dizzy. They made it to room 365 when Jason could hear his mother talking. Their steps became hurried to go and see their sister.
Melissa lay in the hospital bed with her left leg up. There was a system of pulleys and weights attached to that leg. To make the children that stayed in this room more comfortable, the wallpaper was filled with little teddy bears in baby blue and a soft pink. There were wires of every sort attached to her. All of the wires led to a separate machine, which were clicking, beeping, and whizzing. The television that was set high on the wall was on, but Melissa paid no attention to it. She had just noticed her father standing there when she got excited and shrieked “Daddy!”
“What’s happened, what did the doctor say?” Jason’s father asked.
“Her left femur is broken and she lost a pint of blood...” Jason’s mother broke off stepping closer to his father, turning and looking directly at Melissa. Her eyes suddenly burst into tears again before she said “…they think she may never fully recover.” Jason watched his fathers eyes grow wide and then begin to tear. The feeling of fear that hung in the air with the breaking of this news was thick. This lay upon everyone except for Melissa very heavily. The thought of this running through his head brought Jason to tears. He could not imagine seeing his little sister in a wheelchair the rest of her life.
“Why do they say that?” He asked looking very concerned.
“Because they gave her a CAT scan and x-ray and said that her bone tissue was severely damaged possibly beyond repair. They are just waiting for the bone specialist to come in and look over the results.” At the closing of their mother’s information they all worked their way over to Melissa. Jason held his little sisters hand as she looked over at him with tears in her eyes. The hurt, pain, and guilt that flooded through him the instant they met eyes was unbearable. It was his entire fault, was the thought that ran through his head again and again. Just then Jason’s dad leaned over and gave Melissa a kiss on the forehead.
While Jason’s father was bent over Melissa, three nurses burst into the room. The three nurses approached her bed and began to un-wrap the blood stained bandages. The other nurse connected a second bag of blood. They ran around and checked the machines while Melissa eyed them wildly. The arrival of the nurses also brought about an eerie silence in the whole room. Another nurse came through the doorway holding a dark metal plate. She walked to the bottom of the bed and bent low. You could hear the metal clank against the other plates, which was quickly followed by a lurch of the leg, causing Melissa to scream. The nurse’s face turned red and she raced from the room.
“We are sorry about that,” the head nurse told Jason’s mother. “She is new here, and I guess did not realize that we do not do things as such in the presence of the family.” Upon the head nurse finishing this statement she waved for the other nurse’s to follow her. As they left the room the head nurse turned and said, “I will send in the doctor.”
Jason’s mother mouthed “thank you” and again turned to face Melissa. Eyes freshly red from the painful cries and skin newly tear stained she began to talk about what happened. They all sat and listened all the while Jason stared at her leg thinking about her never being able to walk again, and how it would be all his fault.
Melissa, at the young age of twelve, was very enthusiastic about a lot of things. Some of the things she talked about came from thin air but she had a unique view on several things. Jason knew that even if she heard the news that she may have to be in a wheelchair the rest of her life, she must not know what that would entail. He was sure however that they only told his mother this possibility.
It did not seem like a long time before the doctor came through the door. “Oh! The whole family is here,” he stated looking around the bright room. He then smiled and Jason noticed a lurch in his stomach. This doctor was a young doctor, only around the age of 28. He was thin and built with a nice copper skin tone. He had short brown hair with blond highlights, brown eyes and pure white teeth. Jason found that he could not take his eyes off of this doctor. Realizing that he had to not make this attraction so obvious he tried to look away but he stared as the doctor walked over to Melissa. “How are you doing so far?” He asked her, smiling showing his pearly whites again. Jason took into his eyes every detail of this doctor’s face, which was wrinkled into a smile.
“Good” Melissa responded. “I hurt all over though.” She said smiling at the doctor.
“Okay that’s good,” he said obviously not paying attention to her answer and looking away from her. Opening a small bag and extracting two tubes that he snapped together he said “Now do you want to see a magic trick?”
“Yeah” she said as everyone in the room stepped closer.
“Now watch this and notice how it is clear.” He said pushing something into her arm, which caused her to flinch. We all watched as the tube turned red. Melissa was confused but everyone else suddenly felt sick. Since she was so good about this clear tube turning red with her blood, the doctor gave her a lollipop. She had realized that he took blood from her and she became very pale.
“We have to run one final test to see if she will be allergic to the antibiotics we will be putting her on.” The doctor said holding up the tube that he had taken back from Melissa’s hand. The doctor had to do this, as her mother was not sure as to what she was allergic to. “The bone specialist has made it and he reviewed the CAT scan and x-ray, he believes that we may have to do some reconstructive surgery but she may still walk.”
“We hope so…” Jason’s father stated back with a somewhat relaxed look on his face.
“Mrs. Lizanich did you fill Mr. Lizanich in on what has been going on?” The doctor asked.
“Yes I have,” Jason’s mother said looking nervously over at Melissa.
“Great,” The doctor said placing the label on the tube of blood collected from her.
Jason continued to play this scene over and over in his head all night. When the doctor came back to give them the results of the blood test, these thoughts just got worse. “Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Lizanich you are okay, Dr. Reckitt has a strong belief that he will be able to perform this reconstructive surgery, it may take time. With Melissa’s age, however, it should be a fast recovery and she should be on her feet in no time.” Jason watched this man breath in and out only imagining what his body may look like underneath those scrubs of his. Jason’s mother and father looked at each other with hopeful glances, and thanked the doctor. Staring so hard at the doctor, Jason did not even notice him turn and look at him. “Do you have a question for me young man?” He asked looking down on Jason.
Jason’s eyes began to water in nervousness the second that he realized the doctor was talking to him. “Oh I was just looking at that cool pen.” Jason said, now looking at a few plain blue and black pens in his pocket.
“Oh, these are nothing,” he said while jamming his right hand into his pocket.
“This is a cool pen.” He said handing Jason the pen. The pen was electric blue with bright purple in wild designs. It was fat at the top, and got skinny as it got closer to the tip. On the side was written the name of some Medicine. “What do you think about that one?” He asked smiling what seemed like only inches in front of Jason. Jason stared at him in his eyes noticing how sparkling and desirable they were. His stomach was doing somersaults one after the other as he stared into his eyes. “Well?’
“Oh it is awesome!” Jason said with a lot of enthusiasm.
“Well then you can keep it, okay,” the doctor said now closing his mouth but keeping a smile. He then reached up and patted Jason on his shoulder and walked out of the room. Jason stood there feeling the pen in his hand and staring after the doctor for what seemed like five minutes. He then sat down and closed his eyes unable to think of anything else except for the electric charge that he felt run through his body when the doctor touched him.
A few hours later they all packed into the car, except for Jason’s mother because she decided that she was going to stay behind with Melissa. Jason did not even remember getting home or falling asleep, except for the fact that the doctor never escaped his mind.
Chapter 3
Several months passed since Melissa’s hospitalization. She was out of the hospital but was still in a cast. The skilled doctors were successful at their reconstruction of her leg. Her bone was healing miraculously now, and before long she was up and trying to walk in a cast that covered both legs and her waist. She was recovering quickly from the accident, and still had weekly visits from the doctor that Jason had admired at the hospital. He always made it a point to be in the same room as the doctor while he was at their house. The doctor came to be known as Doctor John and often supplied Jason with neat pens that he kept in his room.
Jason felt the urge on one day to show the doctor the garden that he had been working on all spring, with other intentions at heart. He thought that he would be able to in some way talk to or even seduce Doctor John. With all of his hormones flowing he would definitely be brave enough to make this attempt. After all, he had been noticing some interest on Dr. John’s part. He would come over, and talk to Jason nearly the whole entire time. He remembered to always bring Jason his pens, so of course John thought of him, even when he was not around. Not to mention Dr. John had taken a liking to just staring back at Jason when he would stare at Dr. John thinking things only he could thankfully see.
Dr. John followed Jason into the back yard on a beautiful summer day. Jason hoped that maybe the doctor held the same attraction for him that he held for the doctor, and figured the odds were in his favor. The garden was looking good, but it needed some work with the weeds coming out quickly in the fresh summer soil. Several different hues filled the garden, making a feast for the eyes. He was happy with Doctor John’s reaction to the garden. Jason and he came to the bench and Jason sat down, hoping that the doctor would sit as well. Instead John continued to stand, looking around. Eyes darting around for something to spark the conversation between John and him Jason sat forward in unnerved tension. Jason was finally developing a plan when John spoke without any warning. “So what’s up?” he asked. Jason stunned looked up at him and saw him looking down at him with a concerned look on his face.
“Umm, nothing” Jason lied to him. This is not the way it was supposed to happen; now he thinks there is something wrong with Jason.
“Well you would not ask me to walk with you in the garden if you did not have a question or something for me.” John said staring down upon Jason in the hot summer sun. His hands were shoved comfortably in his pockets as he adjusted his footing.
“I dunno, I do want to ask you something, but I feel really weird asking you.” Jason said feeling his face turn red with embarrassment, knowing that this would be the opportune time to be honest with John.
“Well go ahead then, you do not have to be afraid to ask anything.” John said, again shifting while tugging at his pants. Jason noticed this nervous shifting and shifted himself in his seat as well.
“Anything?” Jason asked just to be sure.
“Anything” Doctor John confirmed. Jason looked over at a bush that was just behind him when he finally worked up enough nerve to even start asking him. He looked at John in the eyes and began to ask the question stumbling over his own words.
“Well, umm…I…ummm I don’t know” Jason said now going purple with nervousness.
“Go ahead Jason…” John encouraged. “No matter what it is I will not tell anybody, and it will not embarrass me.” He said reassuringly looking at Jason with a kind smile on his face.
“Um, do you think my sister will ever be the same?” Jason asked, now very disappointed at himself. He could not ask John what he had wanted to ask him. His stomach was just too over active, and Jason did not feel secure enough with himself to ask. He knew that this doctor was older than he was and he was only sixteen, so he would have no chance. All of these thoughts ran through his mind as he looked back at the doctor, only to be surprised by his reaction.
“That is not what you wanted to ask me, but yes she will be okay.” John said looking Jason right in the eye. “Look I catch onto things,” he said noticing the confused expression on Jason’s face.
“Well no, but I did not want to ask you what I wanted to because it is an impossibility.” Jason said trying to straighten out his confused look on his face. “Granted I wish it was a possibility.”
“Well I am sorry but you are a little young for that...but what do I know? Well I have to get going now okay.” He said as he smiled at Jason, and placed his hand on Jason’s shoulder. “You’re a good kid, don’t ever change.” He said, now walking past Jason leaving him there in silence. Jason was so confused with what had just happened. Had John realized what was going on in Jason’s head? Did he really know what Jason had wanted to ask him? Jason had no clue if John really knew anything about him at all.
He did not go back inside to say good bye to John, and really didn’t care to. The feeling of inferiority was so overcoming that Jason was rather angry. He stayed out in the garden and pulled some weeds to help dissipate this anger that he now held towards the doctor.
Jason stayed out in the garden for a couple more hours. As the sun prepared to make it’s descent he went inside and gathered some money from his money jar. Then he cheerfully walked down Centre Street to the ice cream shop and bought a large peanut butter swirl yogurt. Wanting to lose weight, he chose yogurt instead of real ice cream.
Jason had been a very skinny boy, but gained weight in the last five years. Having just celebrated his sixteenth birthday with his family, he didn’t bother organizing a birthday party. He had only a few friends and didn’t really see the need for a social life as he dedicated his time to school and garden work. Jason felt that because he was fat, he couldn’t have a lot of friends, and blamed his weight for this void.
On the way back from the ice cream shop he saw Tameera, driving along with her mother, Mary. Mary beeped and waved, as did Tameera. Jason hoped that Tameera would be a new addition to his friendship circle. Tameera was a very beautiful girl, having a ballerina body brown hair that had frosted highlights. He had seen her in his lunch during school, and spoke with her every once in a while. Every time Jason saw her she was in a good mood. She always was seen with a smile that went from ear to ear. He waved back, put a smile on his face and continued to walk home.
The days were getting longer, being only one week after school let out, each day being beautiful, warm, and cloudless. The colors from the flowers, and greenery shined majestically in the summer sun. Eating his yogurt Jason sat on his lawn chair in the garden, trying to think of something to do. The garden put him in a trance like state, no longer allowing him to think. He sat there in awe of the beauty that he created through his plantings. Suddenly the garden lit up with the brilliant and vivid colors produced by the last rays of the sunset. He watched as a squirrel dodged in and out of the bushes, and a little bunny hopped along the path. He became distracted when he heard the back porch screen door open and close. He watched as his mother came out to get the laundry off of the clothes line, and soon asked for his help. Jason mumbled, but got up and went over to help.
Once inside the house Jason went on the computer. He loved talking to friends that he had made on the computer. Hours upon hours had he spent near the end of the school year, and now he talked on-line almost all night long. Sometimes he would feel guilty, knowing that he should be out doing something, trying to lose weight but he just stay sitting there. Today he told everyone about what happened with John. Some of his friends told him that he knew, others said that he was probably guessing. Informing them that he thinks John might really know all about him, because of all the times John caught him staring at him. They all laughed and told him that he was rejected. Jason play along and laughed, but really did not find it funny. The anger that had subsided since earlier in the day began to rise again.
Getting off of the computer Jason headed into the living room where he commenced watching a scientific program. Jason liked to learn, even in the summer time. He had aspired to be a scientist, and maybe even a physics teacher at one point in time. While watching television he heard a knocking at the door. He got up and walked over to the front door. Outside stood Jason’s, brother’s friend, Randy looking in with the usual silly smile on his face. Randy was a strange young man who often got into hyper moods, and was constantly joking around. Randy was a tall boy at about six foot, and was in good shape. He and
Kyle, Jason’s older brother, would play basketball a lot, even during the hot summer weather. Randy naturally had brown hair, but got blonde streaks put in it. He had his left ear pierced and had gentle river green eyes, with sparse, evenly spaced eyelashes. “Come on in,” Jason beckoned, allowing Randy to step through the door.
“Is Kyle here?” Randy asked about to run up the old wood stair case.
“Yeah, he said he’s getting ready to go fishing with you.” Jason said looking at Randy with interest flowing through his veins.
“Cool,” Randy said continuing up the stairs. He began to bang on the bathroom door, where Kyle was. “Come on Kyle, I wanna see your man hood!” Giggling as he said this.
“Shut the hell up, dude.” Kyle yelled back. This continued for about five minutes, when Randy came back down the stairs to the living room. He proceeded over to the couch where Jason sat. He shoved his pelvis area in Jason’s face and said, “Suck it.” He began thrusting and started laughing. Jason just looked at him, suddenly noticing a body part changing position. Randy went over across the room and sat down on a chair. Jason walked over to him and got on his knees in front of him.
“Okay,” Jason said making a back and forth motion in the air. Randy pushed Jason’s head right into his lap. He then pushed Jason away laughing. Jason stood up laughing as well quite confused and unsure as to what Randy’s exact intent of doing that was. Kyle came down the steps and the two left to go fishing for the night. Jason was however very happy with Randy’s joking manner. He made his way up to his room, and got all excited about what Randy had just done. Knowing that Randy was joking, Jason for some reason allowed his hopes to soar sky high.
A few agonizing days went by before Jason saw Randy again. Those few days gave Jason enough time to come up with a plan as to how he was going to make his fantasy come true. Jason figured that all he would have to do is joke around with Randy a few times, and then take some action. If Randy objected Jason could say he was sorry for taking the joke a little too far. His plan was flawless, how could it possibly go wrong. That day Jason asked Randy if he wanted to drive around a little, while they were waiting for Kyle to get home; Randy agreed. They drove around and Jason decided to work his plan, by saying, “There’s a dark alley right there, and no one would see us there.” Jason’s heart began pumping rapidly as Randy turned down the alley way that he had commented on. Randy could probably hear the pounding of his heart, as he stopped on the side of the road and turned out the lights. Jason was sure that it was going to happen now, Randy’s voice was so serious and Jason’s intent was written all over his face. Randy must have decided that this was a bad idea, because he then laughed and pulled out of the alley.
Upon returning Jason to his house, he ran up into his room to try to understand exactly what was going on. He had to sort out his thoughts as they were flying through his mind a thousand thoughts a second. He had to think thoroughly about things before assuming anything. Needing to have the perfect plan for their next run in Jason lay in bed and thought long and hard for this reason. Jason was beginning to prepare for bed, when someone knocked on his door. Looking at his clock he realized that it was one o’clock in the morning.
Randy and Kyle stood outside of his door laughing, when Kyle said, “Jason let us in dude!” Jason unlocked the door and let the two into his room. Both of them looked like they were drunk, or maybe a little more than that. He let the two of them into his room and locked the door. They came up to Jason’s room just to smoke a cigarette and wound up staying for half and hour either talking or staring off into space. Kyle then made the notion that he was tired and was going to go down stairs to his room. Randy followed Kyle out into the hallway and to the top of the steps. Jason saw his chance quickly leaving. What a better time than this, they were both tired and Jason could get him alone in his own room! He then quickly mouthed to Randy what it was he was going to do to him. Randy then immediately turned down the stairs and informed Kyle that he was going to smoke another cigarette. Kyle said okay and closed the attic door behind him. Jason closed his bedroom door then turned around to face Randy with a very broad smile upon his face. This was not going as planned for Jason, it was going better than he could ever have imagined.
Jason and Randy both sat on Jason’s bed after their early morning escapade smoking a cigarette. Jason was rather happy, and Randy was definitely pleased. Randy was not all too willing to talk about this, as it was fresh on his mind and he was in shock of what had happened. This awkward silence allowed Jason to remember that he was going to an amusement park later that day. He looked at the clock and realized that it was only a matter of hours before his cousin got there to pick him up.
Due to Jason’s overwhelming excitement of what had happened, and what the upcoming day held for him, he could not go to sleep. Randy and he stayed up all night just talking about things, and Jason could not get that silly smile off of his face. All Jason could think about was how much he was attracted to him, and the upcoming amusement park. Jason decided to not talk about what had just happened because randy was acting really weird about it. Hours passed by really quickly and soon Jason’s aunt was there to pick him up.
Jason waved good bye to Randy, and was tempted to run back and give him a hug. Randy offered Jason more than Jason had experienced in the longest time. The feelings that Jason now held in his heart were great, and he wanted to make Randy his boyfriend. He knew that this thought alone would be an impossibility as Randy would never actually state that he was gay, much like Jason refused to say about himself now. Those thoughts were out of his head when Jess, his cousin, and her friend Danielle began to get his attention. Jess had always been there for him, the two were really close to where they told each other everything. Well, almost everything, because Jason still refused to tell her that he was gay. He wasn’t really sure why he was afraid, as he was most sure that she would understand, buy maybe it was the religion aspect. Because of the religion, if he told her, he might lose her forever. On the trip to the amusement park Jason didn’t think much about telling her, or as to why he didn’t tell her. He was now mainly focusing on what rides they would go on, while at the park.
As they pulled into the amusement park’s parking lot, Jason stared out his window at all of the amazing thrills that wait inside those gates. He admired the tallest roller coaster on the east coast, which was painted red, and stretched high above the other rides like a sycamore tree in a desert. There was a looping coaster that was purple and yellow, which enticed Jason to ride as soon as he could. Then he caught site of a roller coaster that was at the top of the hill beginning to descent. He realized that this roller coaster was an inverted coaster that hung below the tracks. It was brand new this year and he had never ridden a coaster like that before. Jason just knew that he would ride that ride first.
Jason, Jess, and Danielle stood in line for hours before getting on the coaster. The ride was definitely a great thrill to start the day off. The rest of the day went by so quickly because of all the fun they were having. They all had smiles plastered on their faces and they were burnt from the scorching sun. All throughout the day Jess and Danielle were checking out a bunch of guys as they were walking. Unknown to them Jason was checking the guys out as well. He did not verbally express it to them, but merely stuck to his own thoughts. The rides were fun and the eye candy was great, as the night quickly came to an end. His eyes had been treated out today, as boys walked by with their shirts off, and tan muscular bodies walked past him every two seconds. Soon enough they were all walking out to the parking lot to be picked up.
The trip home seemed so much slower than the rest of the day had gone. This gave Jason plenty of time to reflect on all of the experiences of the day. Jason also felt a lot less guilty about looking at all the young men since the events that had happened earlier in the day made him feel a lot more confident. When they reached home, Jason said his good bye’s and went directly to his room. He did not think much about the day’s events when he lay down to go to sleep. Jason was very tired at this point and his body went straight to sleep, not allowing him time to think.
Several days passed until Jason started to feel bad about himself again. He started to not look in the mirror or else he would criticize himself. He couldn’t walk around with out tugging at his shirt this way and that, to try to cover up what he was hiding underneath it. He would often sit around and say that he was going to do something to lose weight. There was only one problem, he seemed to lose the drive and motivation to even try and lose some weight. He had such a low self-esteem that halted him from making this progress. He always had a smile on his face, but when he was alone, he would often put that smile on a shelf. Jason continued to pity himself, before he then decided that he would go over to Rachael’s house.
When he went to her house later that day he was ready to tell her about the events between Randy and himself. When Jason stopped telling her she looked very angry and upset. He had forgotten that she had been trying to get with Randy for quite some time now. She looked at him and forced a smile, “Is that all?”
There was a moment of silence between the two in which Jason really took in some of her features. Rachael had dirty blonde hair that she always put up on top of her head. She was chubby with nice blue eyes. Being in a higher financial status than Jason, she often wore belly shirts, tube tops, and short shorts with expensive brand names to let everyone know her family had a little bit of money. She wasn’t exactly the prettiest thing he ever saw, but he liked her as a friend to a point. “I’m so sorry Rachael, I did not even mean to…” Jason said eyes wide realizing what he had done. “Look I’m really sorry.”
“Okay bye then,” Rachael said still forcing a smile, and turning red with anger. Jason realized that she never expresses how angry she is, instead she flips out. He realized how hard she was trying not to flip out on him. When she could no longer hold it in, she turned around and ran up the stairs, face in her hands. Jason just stood there feeling bad for her but also becoming a little angry because she was blaming him for what was ultimately Randy’s decision. He walked around to the side door, locked it, and left without a second thought. Only to be met by Randy as soon as he got home.
Jason was very surprised to see Randy there especially since he had seen him just a few nights ago. Seeing him sitting there on the old wooden porch to Jason’s house, he began to smirk. Jason could not help but to think about how Randy was always claiming to be straight, however, Jason and several other people thought very differently. Everybody figured that he was at least bi, because he liked girls but as to how he dressed, talked, and looked, made people think otherwise. These thoughts continued in his mind as he and Randy went upstairs. He quickly changed thought modes as Randy’s intentions were made clear.
Due to this being the second little rendezvous between these two, both Randy and Jason were getting a little more involved. There was a little more motion, a little more touching, with a little more noise. Both were more comfortable because afterward they were able to comment on each other’s actions. Jason did notice that Randy was not on any substance that would impair his judgment, but what had happened came very easily and quickly. Randy stayed a little longer than usual, and eventually fell asleep on Jason’s bed. Jason admired him from the side of the bed and couldn’t help but think that this may be going somewhere. Jason soon fell asleep on the floor next to Randy.
After a nightlong sleep full of dreams Jason woke up refreshed. He sat up on the bed realizing that Randy wasn’t there. He lit a cigarette and stared dreamily out the window. He was jerked back to reality by the sound of the attic door opening and then closing. He threw his cigarette out of the window, just as his mother came into his room. “It smells like cigarette smoke in here.” She said full of conviction.
“That is from Kyle and Randy last night,” Jason said convincingly. Knowing that his mother did not want him smoking in her house, or even knew he did, he had to convince her otherwise.
“Why did Randy come down from your room early this morning?”
“I dunno he fell asleep on my bed, so I took the floor.” Jason said truthfully.
“Well isn’t that such a good Christian boy.” His mother said adoringly. Jason just stared at her thinking, ‘if you only knew.’ Jason would never say something like that to his mother, so he left it at that, and she turned around stating “I’m going to check on Melissa.”
Melissa was doing really well these days, and she miraculously got a new doctor. She was going to physical therapy, and she had her cast off. Her leg was really shaky so they wanted to make sure that she did not spend all day walking around, but enough to build up her strength. She had spent about eight months in a cast so her muscles were not used to holding her up. He was so happy that his little sister was getting better, and he was able to have her help him in the garden. Whenever she worked with him outside she was happy. She especially loved watching the plants that she planted grow and become trees.
Two boring weeks passed until it was Saturday night and Randy came over once again. This time Randy didn't even care if Kyle was there or not. He came right up into Jason's room and began talking to him. Randy was complaining about girls, and Jason made some of his own suggestions, which Randy took generously. While Jason was working with Randy he asked him for a return favor. Randy said, "No, that's disgusting.” He stopped what he was doing, and looked at him angered. Jason finished what he was doing, (because he loved doing it) but then went straight to bed. He didn't talk to Randy at all and ignored him when he called his name. Randy then asked "Dude, you’re not gay are you?” Jason didn't reply. "Because I hate faggots.” Jason still sat quiet. "Besides this is too weird."
"What do you mean it's too weird?” Jason asked sternly.
"This whole thing is way too weird for me."
"Whatever, think what you want. Why is it then that you came back three times?" Asked Jason getting a little irritated.
“I was drunk!" Randy said while raising his voice some.
"Yeah, okay"
"What!?"
"The first time yes, but the last two times you weren't!"
"Whatever dude, I know my body more than you do.” At that statement Jason raised an eyebrow and lay down to go to sleep. He fell asleep rather quickly considering there was someone else in the room with him.
When Jason woke up the next morning he noticed that his video camera was out, and Randy was gone. He immediately began to panic, thinking only the worst. He rewound the tape and then pressed play. He saw himself sleeping on his bed, and then the camera moved to the right and zoomed in on his Hess truck collection. He continued to rewind through the entire tape searching for something that would be really bad to have on there. When Jason was at the beginning of the tape, he fast-forwarded through it till it ended. Relieved he put down the camera and grabbed some clothes and a towel. On his way down to the shower he realized that Randy had never left. Instead he lay asleep on the bed in his brother’s room, while Kyle was asleep on the floor. This scene looked a little too familiar and freaked Jason out a little.
When he returned to his room he lay down in front of the fan enjoying the softness of his skin, and smoking a cigarette. He knew it was going to be a bad day as he looked into the mirror. Getting into his best clothes, which consisted of baggy jeans with a tight waist, and a shirt two times too big of a dark blue, he began criticizing himself. He never wore shorts because his legs were pale and chubby. He wore massive shirts so it was harder to see his fat pockets.
As he stood in front of the mirror putting himself down more and more, his cat Snickers came running over to him, eyes ablaze with happiness. She got out a crackled meow before Jason picked her up and cuddled her. She loved it when he did this, and he knew it. He spent a few more seconds with her before he put her down on the chair. His thoughts slowly switched from Snickers to the rapidly upcoming school year. This summer went by so fast. He had barely seen his friends, as he now had more things to do around his house. He was dreading the fact that he would have to go and buy paper and folders. The only thing that he did look forward to was shopping for clothes. School would start the next week and he paid no thought to it until now.
Instead of focusing too much on school approaching, he walked on over to Rachael's house, with a cigarette in hand as an apology. She looked to cigarettes for everything, and even accepted them as money. When he turned the corner, down Rachael's alley, the wind got knocked out of him. This was soon followed by a scream, and then a hug. When Jason was able to focus his eyes he saw that it was Rachael. "I did it!"
"Did what?" Jason asked fixing his glasses in order to see her better.
"I umm, well you know!” She shrieked while making a symbolic movement involving her hand, tongue, and mouth.
"Really! With who?"
"Randy!"
"Cool!"
"Yeah, come on I wanna tell you all about it.” She said practically in tears. Jason followed her back to her house and sat listening to her story. He watched her go through a range of emotion, faces, and thoughts before she actually stopped. She then asked him about what he did with Randy. He told her about everything, which only took about fifteen minutes compared to her hour and a half lecture. She was shocked with the three times fact. No sooner than he finished his story, did the doorbell ring. Rachael jumped up and went over to the door and opened it. In came Randy and Kyle. Randy saw Jason sitting there, but went right over to Rachael paying him no mind. He began to touch her, and before long the two were heading upstairs.
Jason and Kyle were nearly done smoking cigarettes when Randy came back down the stairs, and sat down next to Kyle, and lit up a cigarette. Jason went upstairs to try and find Rachael. He found her in her room crying and holding a pillow. Jason did not really want to ask, but felt obligated with being her friend and all. "He told me this was too weird and we couldn’t do this anymore...” she said trailing off to blow her nose into a tissue. "We started doing things, and then he just stopped and said we couldn’t do this, and... oh Jason, he has a girlfriend!” She said now making noises as she cried.
Jason began rubbing her back when she stood up out of nowhere and ran down the stairs. He tried as hard as he could to keep up with her. When they got downstairs they saw Randy and Kyle leaving. Rachael ran into the kitchen, and then out of the house suddenly throwing eggs as Randy's car. She then reached down and picked up Kyle's iced tea and aimed it for his moon roof. Most of the iced tea made it into his car before the moon roof was shut tight, Randy then quickly peeled out of the alleyway. Rachael then turned to Jason and yelled "Leave!"