Never let go:
To have and to hold
by
Aeryn Jaden
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
Aeryn Jaden on Smashwords
To Have and to Hold
Copyright © 2011 by Aeryn Jaden
Cover by Amara Lukas (http://amaralukas.deviantart.com/)
Smashwords Edition License Notes
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To have and to hold
why do you kill?
“Why not?”
why yes?
“Because I can.”
And besides he was actually doing people a favor by cleaning the streets.
Usually his tone would have flipped all the switches of any being. The voice continued to murmur some unknown song, like it wasn’t even aware of what it was doing. It was annoying to call it it. He was sure the Voice belonged to someone. He didn’t want to admit even to himself that he wanted it to belong to someone, for that someone to exist.
“Because I am stronger and superior. They don’t matter. They’re food. It’s only natural.”
Aha. Then you aren’t superior at all.
The voice began to laugh. At him. At fucking him.
As about your supposed power let me ask you a question. Who is the strongest between a group of 10 mortals and a vampire?
“What is the point of this?”
Something it seems you forgot.
The Voice signed and the low singing stopped. He was sorry for that.
There’s more power in unity that in solitude. You can’t be an island and expect to be invincible. Binds with other beings will make you stronger, especially when they are binds of love, friendship…
Blaine started to laugh and the Voice stopped.
-“Hilarious, I got to tell you, you sure are funny. You seem to forget who you are talking to. I’m Blaine, remember. Everybody covers when they see me. Fear is a stronger bind that any.”
Ah. So that’s why.
He frowned in confusion.
“Why’s what?”
The reason you kill. You are lonely. You’re like a spoiled brat that demands attention doing bad things. And you are furious. You can’t be mortal again and you resent what you have lost. So you take your revenge on those that have everything you wish for.
Blaine snorted, trying hard to ignore his trembling hands and concentrate on the omnipresent anger.
“I have nothing to envy or covet from these pitiful mortals.”
Oh, you are half right, I’ll give you that. You have nothing.
*****
You are going too far. Soon I won’t be able to help you. ? Don’t you understand what you are doing? You have to wake up from this nonsense! How could you? Did you feel satisfied to break his neck, to see the light dimming in his eyes?
The Voice broke and Blaine heard a sob.
His heart cringed but he hardened his soul and clenched his jaw.
“Very. It was my version of a “happy meal”.”
Another sob, then a deep breath.
This is my last visit. I tried, God knows I tried. if this doesn’t start you thinking I’ll have to give up.
Another sob.
“What? No, why…?”
I don’t want to give up on you. You were supposed to be mine…
Blaine fisted his hands on the chair’s wood handles until they shattered like glass. I sharp shred pierced his palm, red warm essence pooling on the floor.
I’m tired. I want to belong. Always running, always searching… Why don’t you come?! You’re so close to me, but still so far away.
All his body shook in terror and he closed his eyes in a futile attempt of protecting himself. He needed the Voice. He lived each day to hear it. He had killed today so that the voice would come. He knew the Voice will scold him for harming another but he didn’t care. He needed to hear it. How pathetic. Big, bad vampire like himself addicted to a voice inside his head, which maybe it wasn’t even real.
The words he was hearing were confusing but also reassuring. Yes, they belonged. His entire being was acknowledging it.
Hold on tight. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
*****
“Why are we here ? I may be a vampire but I resent all cemetery clichés related.”
You have to see. I hope you’ll see. You have forgotten so much.
“See what? Crosses? I remember them. And the all holy water thingy and crosses that repel is just crap so I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”
He sighed and then straightened.
“This is nonsense. I’m delusional. Maybe the last meal was tainted with some kind of drug or something. Now I’m speaking with a voice in my head which has brought me in a cemetery to presumably show me something. Yes, delusional.”
He started to gather himself and tried to shift back into his room. And tried, and tried. And once again tried.
“Fine, I get it. Just show me already. My head hurts from this fucking sun. And I’m starting to get a tan.”
Just then, a funeral procession entered his visual field.
“A funeral?”
The Voice was strangely silent as if punishing Blaine with it’s absence. hah.
Hmm, strangely his stomach was all in knots. Yes, probably the last meal’s fault.
A woman was crying silent tears and was hardly staying on her legs, balancing on the breeze as if she was a willow in a stormy wind.
Blaine’s eyes were glued on her face, mesmerized by the painful empty eyes. He knew this. He knew emptiness. He remembered that look on his own face.
He blinked fast, trying in vain to banish the memory, confused with why and what happened to him to make him feel that. He didn’t care, so why should he ever feel that kind of pain?
Oh, you feel. You feel too much, that’s why you reject everything that can make you remember and feel again. That woman is his mother. The one you killed last. See the other woman?
A woman, more a kid than a grown up, was leaning against a concrete cross not to far away, watching and crying rivers. Her face twisted in a grimace of sorrow and pain, making him shiver with morbid fascination. And something else he couldn’t name anymore.
That’s his girlfriend. He just asked her to marry him the day before you took him and drank him dry. They were 19 and in love.
Blaine snorted.
“Then I really did her a favor. He was in a gay bar, dancing and drinking his ass off.”
Hm. He was with his best friend which is gay and was celebrating his birthday. His girlfriend was waiting at home, dinner on the table, anxious to give him the news that they’re gonna have a baby. Want to see what will happen? Should I tell you that she’s gonna lose the baby and then commit suicide? Would that complete your idea of “happy meal”?
The Voice chocked on a sob again and his stomach clenched in a crude spasm, like trying to expel the blood, the life he had taken. He had not thought. Nothing mattered to Blaine. Nothing should. But the cry in his head and the mourning desperate faces around him didn’t let him retreat inside himself, in that quiet, still and frozen place. And then the world exploded before his eyes. Flashes burning his vision behind his shut eyelids.
“Kara. My baby… Dead.. Blood, so much blood, chrisom red blood on her sweet pale skin… My hands. Oh,god… I don’t want this .Make it stop! I don’t want to know this! No!”
The anguished cry echoed in his head, hurting his walls and his eyes went blind to everything around.
And fortunately the darkness made it stop. For now.
Blaine woke up in his bedroom, on the bed. A quilt was draped on his shivering body and he stayed quiet and still, emptying his mind and just trying to forget. The tears came unexpected and the reason for them stroke like lightning in that frozen place inside him and made him wail in pain like a baby. He wasn’t aware of his cries or his weeping eyes. That boy, that sweet girl… their baby, their lives… Destroyed by him. by his hands. He stared at his shacking hands seeing just blood everywhere. Another blood tear landed on them making him gag and throw up on the floor beside the bed. Minutes passed, hours. He still cried and cried, mourning the innocence lost and the lives destroyed. His dark room darkened more around him, announcing the coming of the night. And feeding time. He ignored it. Or perhaps he didn’t notice. He stayed put in his chilly damp tomb of a room, waiting to forget again.
*****
Blaine?
Blaine! What are you doing? You feel strange.
“Resting my eyes.”
It’s 12 o’clock. You should be feeding.
“Shut up!”
Blaine threw a hand erratically in the air knocking god knows what. A sound of broken glass reverberated in the moonlit room. The ethereal gasp echoed in his head.
He turned face down and burrowed deeper in the satin sheets.
Blaine…?
“What the fuck do you want?”
If the voice had been attached to a body, Blaine would have probably attacked. He was hungry, pangs making his body hurt. He was angry. So angry he could kill. His door was blocked and he had reinforced the heavy metal locks with his own spell, a trick learned from an elf. He won’t get out. He didn’t want to.
So that’s the way it is? Give up already? You’re a coward.
“Fine, I am. Now fuck off.”
A sigh and then blessed silence. Blaine frowned at the sheet.
Curling up and dying from malnutrition in your bed isn’t the answer, you know.
“And I suppose you know all the answers, oh Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
Not all-all. Just the ones that concern you.
His body shivered in reaction. He wanted to stop listening. To wallow in his misery like a pig in the mud. He deserved it.
What about what your victims deserve?
He stubbornly kept his silence and the Voice sighed again. A hitch like something else had almost been said, and then the whoosh that accompanied the voice’ leaving every time.
What about his victims? There were all dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. And so should be he.
*****
Came to your senses?
“You just won’t give up, do you?”
He felt some tingling in his chest and groaned at the heat behind the unvoiced answer. It had been five days already since he had closed himself here to die. Death was slow to come. And painful. His body was in so much agony that all his thoughts centered on praying for it to end already. Every second of these five days. He couldn’t even focus long enough to picture his sweet Kara and mourn her loss.
Can’t. Too much invested.
“I’ll say to write this off as a learning experience. Redeeming demons isn’t possible.”
The Voice laughed and he couldn’t find it in him to be irritated at the clear sound. He was empty of most of the feelings. All that remained was the pain. He squirmed faintly at a new wave of sharp stabbing pain
Stubborn fool. Looks like I have to spell it for you again.
Whatever. Just leave him alone and maybe he could loose track of time again. And maybe the hours would speed past him, bringing him the darkness.
You’re not solving anything by feeling sorry for yourself. You disappoint me.
A new pang stroke in the region of his heart, trying to rouse him from his despair.
Your victims deserve justice.
“I’m dying. Maybe that’ll be enough.”
You’re dying for you. To end your pain. You stink of self pity. What about those who cool in shallow graves? Or are dumped like yesterday trash? Do you believe you’re the worst there is? Arrogant fool. You’re a small fish playing with sharks.
The words flew pass him, barely registering. Something niggled at his memory and he almost woke up.
Fine. Kara’s alive.
*****
He had feed. Three cats and one dog. He had left them alive, finding he couldn’t stand to see the light ending in their eyes. He doubted he could feed from a human again.
Surprisingly, he felt okay. No side effects from his strange diet.
“It worked. Animal blood… Who knew? We are told it’s poisonous.”
You are told many things. Half truths at best. You’ll have to eventually feed from a human.
“No! No…”
Feeding doesn’t have to kill.
Blaine rested his head on his trembling hands. He still had the impulse to breathe, as he had while he was alive and took a shaky breath.
“I don’t know if I can. I keep seeing… So much blood.”
His hands were dirtied with it. The deaths of all his victims were hunting him with vivid pictures and the memories served to torment even his most exhausted sleep.
You can. You have to. It stopped being about you long ago. This is bigger.
“I know, I know.”
The fuck you do! You have no idea. You’re like a lost doggie, waiting for his master to give him directions.
Why get mad? He did feel lost. The Voice kept him sane. Marginally. Kara was alive. That kept him going.
“Is she okay?”
She’s with me.
Another deep breath. Relieved, he nodded at the empty room. He trusted the Voice more that he trusted himself.
“What do you want me to do?”
It’s not about what I want. Blaine… Drake kills for the joy of it. You have no idea…Hundreds. Thousands. Much more in the future.
Blaine blinked fast. He knew the name. Where…?
A flash of memory provided the answer. He saw like he was still there in the nightmare. Two young vampires, he could tell now by their jerky movements, still unused to the strangeness of being different. Himself, struggling under the foot that pins him on his belly. Somebody was laughing behind him. Him skin prickled as if he could still hear the sound. Like sharp needles on his spine.
It’s dinner time, boys…cute kid, smells green…prime food…
One of them savagely bites Kara’s neck. She screams, blood pools and he kicks and struggles in vain.
we have a struggler…not for long, we don’t…huh, I don’t know, could be fun… you like to toy with food, Master Drake…
Drake. The name rang in his brain like the sound of a gunshot. His head swirled, the remembered pain made his neck pulse and his back twitched like crazy before the room became solid around him again.
You remember.
“Hard to forget.
But he had forgotten. And played right in Drake’s game, on his fucking music.
“I mean…”
The Voice’s laugh echoed hollowly.
It is hard to forget. It was hard for him to make you forget. He is five hundred years old, Blaine. He knows his fair share of tricks. More than…
“He…? How?”
All that mumbo-jumbo that you are king of the jungle and bullshit? You are his puppet, Blaine. He made you for his amusement. You were a doctor, do you remember? How fun it is for him to make you take lives and kill in cold blood. Let me ask you a question. How old do you think you are?
“Well, I’m 280 of course. I was a count in Fr…No. Kara. She had modern clothes. My daughter was in high school. What...?”
He gave you his own blood. Then, enraged, you killed the other two and drank them dry. I doubt he could have killed you, so he did something better. Erased you and invented another Blaine. You are five years old. Thirty five if you count your mortal years.
He jumped from the chair and prowled the room like a captive animal. His hands messed with his hair in an agitated gesture.
“That’s impossible. Five year olds are pitiful. Then can barely physically subdue a human. And not to mention psychic developments! These things happen only with mature vampire. Older than a hundred. What about all the tricks that I learned during all those years in Ireland? Africa? China? Spells, body control, mind capabilities?”
He shook his head at the empty air.
The blood carries more than reds and whites. You know him better than anyone. You just don’t remember it yet.
*****
One day later, he was still thinking. And trying to remember. If the Voice had told him he knew, then it was so. Frustration was eating him from inside. He pulled the drapes open and watched at the city blinking with life. Each open light, another life for the plucking. Just waiting there for someone to come and end it. Someone like him.
Was it worth it? Struggling and living in this infect existence? All so everything could end in a blink of a eye. Or so you can die some 50 year later with the regrets of what you had wanted and never did and had. He remembered his own struggle now. Not only on the floor, bleeding for them. Medicine school. The money always short, Amy’s death. They had been fifteen when they had Kara. Worst beautiful mistake of their lives.
He also remembered feeling.
It was worth it.
And so he kept trying to solve the puzzle.
He could feel his sire close. Always did. He knew not all of their kind could. He could see flashes of what he saw. Or was it what he had seen? The kind of flashes that keep you awake and gave nightmares. There was blood. And people screaming. And always the same delighted laugh. That was also only scratching the surface of what he saw.
It actually didn’t really matter.
Drake has made an immortal enemy out of him the day he killed him and Kara. Only, thank God, Kara lived. Her screams lived also. So it didn’t matter what else he did, that alone was more than enough for Blaine to make up his mind. It was easy, really. He was after all Drake’s creation. Old Blaine maybe still existed but he had plenty of Blood Killer in.
Nice nickname, huh? Not very original, but truthful. Media had a field day with his dinner remains.
You really are an idiot, aren’t you?
“Spying on my thoughts? Naughty boy.”
He frowned in confusion. Was it a male, this Voice that watched over him?
You could ask you know.
“You would answer?”
That much I can. Male, if you’re interested.
Huh. He thought so.
Pondered on it much? You’re supposed to think about more important things, not my identity or what sexual appendages I have.
“I guess. You’re just about the most important person in my life. It’s natural I’m curious.”
The silence gave him the impression of shock on the other side. He allowed himself a small pleased smile. Usually this worked the other way, with him being left the baffled one.
I was expecting you to wonder. But because Kara is with me.
“I suspect Kara is safer with you than me.”
True. Still…You must miss her.
“I do. But I want her safe more than I want to see her. Knowing that it’s enough for me. It does bug that you won’t tell me how she managed to survive.”
The Voice sighed and Blaine frowned at the sound. His emotions seemed interlaced with what he felt from the other side of this strange connection. As if he was speaking with the other half of his soul. It had made it difficult to believe the Voice really existed.
“I should probably
give you a name. Won’t you change your mind and at least tell me
that?”
A sound of frustration and Blaine already knew the
answer. His fist hit the wall, powerless to do anything.
I wish I could. Blaine, hadn’t you figured it out? Do you really believe that if you know about Drake, he wouldn’t about you? The only reason I’m still alive is because you didn’t knew me when you were alive and it’s hard for him to track me through your thoughts.
“Fuck. Then he knows I’m not his puppet anymore. Wait. Why in the hell did you tell me Kara is alive?”
So you can wake up and smell the roses. Moron. What was I supposed to do, let you die of a broken heart like some prima donna? Kara is safe. He’ll have to get through me to get to her. Not a walk in the park, that I can tell you.
His face scrounged in concentration. What was it this Voice ? Male but what kind of male being if he could talk about holding back a five hundred years old vampire ?
“Don’t tell me.”
I wasn’t about to. Moron.
The irony was unmistakable and Blaine smiled again at the friendly presence. Even the insults had started to ring as endearments.
*****
“It had been two months already. Why doesn’t he come after me?”
Drake is a coward by nature. He prefers to not take any chance. Coming after you isn’t that simple. You are not an easy prey. He’ll not come directly after you. He’ll toy with you.
Blaine watched the dark wall like he could read the solution there. He had felt Drake more and more these days. He was shielding his thoughts from him, and Blaine was loosing patience. He wanted his life back, at least what remained of it’s ruins.
“He’ll come after you and Kara. That’s my weakness.”
I know.
A sad tired sign and Blaine felt a sudden pressure around his waist and on his chest. Warmth enveloped him and he froze, afraid to move and lose it. He felt his eyes burning and squeezed them tightly.
“I…I can… feel you.”
His rusty whisper was almost inaudible in the sparse room. The presence tensed in his arms and he instinctively raised his arms to pull it closer, tighter to him. His hands passed through air without catching anything.
You felt that? Really? My god.
“You were hugging me, weren’t you?”
Yeah, yeah I was. But…It’s not the first time I tried. You never felt me before.
Frustrated at his inability to hold him , Blaine huffed an annoyed breath. So not fair. He wanted him here. It was a strange feeling, almost like possessiveness that had raised his arms to hug. He could feel things he had thought dead along with his humanity. Things that he didn’t remember feeling even when alive. He was crazy. He was falling in love with a sarcastic voice that tormented even his dreamless sleep with questions.
“Hey. Does that mean that you can see me?”
See you. Feel you. I shouldn’t be telling you this.
“Yeah, probably. But it’s so not fair. I… wonder what you look like.”
A wayward thought made his blood rush to his face.
“Tell me you’re an adult. Please be an adult.”
An amused laugh made his blush spread. Having someone in your head was detrimental to privacy.
Lonely for some quality company? Don’t worry, you’re not becoming a pedophile.
The Voice snorted and the clear laugh warmed him more than the arms still circling his waist.
“I wish I could see you.”
I wish I could be there with you.
They both signed and basket some more in the feeling of their first embrace until dawn announced the coming of a new day.
*****
“I hate this.”
You have to feed.
“But…animals? They taste so strange.”
Do you want to feed entirely on humans?
“Fuck no! I want to not feed at all! But I can’t, you don’t have to remind me.”
Good. There’s another reason I want you to feed mostly on animals. Their blood makes you stronger and in time, you borrow some of their traits.
He abruptly stopped in mid pacing. The mirror on the opposite wall reflected the image of a tall good-looking man. His hair had grown and was curling around the collar of the crisp shirt. Green startled eyes peered from under the gold streaked brown mass of twisted hair. He had a decent build at six foot one and some half defined muscles that dated from before his transition.
Jesus. No, you won’t start to bark at the moon or crave a mouse. Moron.
“I’m starting to think that’s your nickname for me.”
If the shoe fits.
*****
5 years later.
Blaine was slowly going crazy. Drake wasn’t making any move, more than that, he seemed to have practically vanished in thin air.
Blaine’s nerves weren’t fairing too well. He felt on the edge all the time.
He was slowly going crazy.
With lust. Among other things.
For now, he was in the usual state of irritation caused by unfulfilled desires and acute boredom. Loud parties were never his thing. Unfortunately, this one he couldn’t have avoided.
It was some political thing hosted by the governor. Contrary to what one could believe, many politicians dabbled in the dark side of reality. Huh, maybe not so unbelievable after all. And yes, selling your soul is still a well-spread practice. One does what he must. Blaine had always been sickened by the displays of lack of morals he could see here. Even as a vampire without conscience, these people disgusted him. The hypocrisy on top of it all. All the glamour didn’t managed to hide the stink beneath.
Now, with his reawakened memories and his ability to feel creeping on him in the most unexpected situations, this party was like torture.
He preferred having his teeth pulled out. His hated canines at that, and without anesthesia.
“Why, don’t you look dashing? So dark and brooding, all mysterious and handsome, hiding in a corner. I’m Erica Harthorn.”
Blaine looked down at the petite brunette with coy eyes and a cat-like smile who had appeared in front of him. He suddenly felt nervous, as if she was important and more than, even possibly dangerous to him. Confronted with her flung hand, he had not choice but to respond politely in return.
“Blaine.”
Should he use Traille or his new name Sinclair? He wondered why he still hesitatated. His old life was long gone.
“Blaine Sinclair. Nice to meet you, Madam Harthorn.”
The woman waved his words as if annoying. She was pleasant enough. Maybe a bit older, fortyish, dark hair streaked with some white, fine lines at the corner of her eyes. She was dressed impeccably and with good taste. Her name was familiar.
“Erica, please.”
Blaine nodded and moved his attention to the hall again. It was rude but usually effective. Not so much now. Erica seemed made of tougher material. Was it too much to want to be left alone and just stay there, in the corner, and wait for an appropriate moment to sneak out? Apparently, yes.
“I can do this all night long, you know. I’ve outlasted more stubborn men than you.”
He huffed an irritated breath and focused on her again.
“Excuse me, Ma’am, did you want something?”
“You really do have an attitude. Cade warned me about that.”
His eyes snapped back at her face and he searched frantically for a sigh that would confirm his hopes. After some cajoling and begging, he had got a name for his Voice. Cade. Twenty-five years old, Cade. His mental image of him has grown out of proportions. In his mind, Cade was on a pedestal. Skin pale and so perfect that glowed, green eyes, dark hair, medium built. He fit perfectly in his arms. That was the only thing he knew for sure, having experienced the comfort of those wiry arms more than once since they first touched. The rest… Well, he had to put an image on the one who drove him “batty”.
“What was your name again, Ma’am?”
Blaine gathered every bit of power he had and concentrated of the woman in front of him. He will get the truth out of her, one way or another. He was still afraid that Drake will pick his brain for information, but not as at the beginning of all this. He now had ways to protect his mind, ways that even Drake didn’t knew about. Yes, Drake’s memories were clearer and clearer as time passed. Unfortunately. He had tossed his cookies more that once at some of his memory flashes. The guy was a monster, pure and simple.
“My name is of no importance. My message might interest you though. And you can stop right now with trying your mojo on me, young man, or you’ll have a pretty pissed off Cade in your head later.”
He actually gaped at the tiny bit of woman. Young man? And he was fucking six foot one compared to five foot something of hers, he could break her in two simply by breathing heavier in her direction.
“I see your ego is strong and healthy.”
“Christ! You must be family.”
Erica nodded, slightly amused. She saw what her grandson liked about the vampire. She saw the man inside, with the confused memories, the recriminations and regrets. The desire to atone for his believed sins, his or not. She saw the despair and a strong desire for justice. As an immortal, she had seen plenty of strange things in her life. A vampire with a soul so pure was up there, in top five. A good match for her headstrong and do-gooder grandson.
“We deemed it secure enough to make contact with you. Cade was worried you’ll start believing again that he was some hallucination. As if! That boy is driving everybody crazy as usual.”
Blaine closed his eyes, his heart constricted with to many feelings. He hadn’t admitted even to himself the doubt that lingered in his mind. The despair at finding that maybe Cade was just a figment of his imagination. Lately, reality was a fuzzy affair for him. He had too many memories battling for attention, to many places and eras. What was real or not was becoming hard to tell.
“Is he well? Safe? Kara?”
He jumped under the warm and kind hand that was rubbing his cheek. Not used to being touched, he tensed as if prepared to make a run for it.
“Poor boy. I know it’s hard. I wish I could do more.”
Erica signed and continued with her gentle ministrations. They were in the shadow, hidden form view by some green monstrosity and Blaine had the impulse to lean in the touch like a cat in search of warmth. He was making a fool of himself.
“They’re okay, yes?”
Erica smiled brightly at him and cupped his cheek one last time before letting go. She knew better that to mention his barely restrained tears; he probably saw them as a weakness.
“Don’t you worry, sweetheart. Your Kara is in good hands. Cade would sooner die that let something happen to her.”
He frowned, trying hard to ignore the chill provoked by the words. Her laugh brought him back from the various scenarios of what Drake would do if he found Cade.
“You’re just delightful. And I see you have no idea of what is happening. Cade can take care of himself, Drake will have a surprise if he thinks he can beat my grandson that easily. You are the one that has to be careful. Watch your back at all times.”
Erica threw a sharp glance in her left and frowned slightly.
“Merde! Il est ici! Don’t you feel him? I have to go.”
She took two hurried steps toward the exit, stopped and brusquely turned to him again. With a quick move, she took his hand and pulled him down to reach his face. The kiss pressed to his cheek left him stunned.
“That’s from your daughter. Cade’s kiss is to x-rated for me to transmit.”
Erica winked and headed for the exit again, with a last warning.
“And you could think about changing your address. I have a feeling your current one will soon be… under construction.”
Blaine stood there, watching her go. His fist tightened and his nails bit in the skin. He had more to ask. More he wanted to know. He earned to follow her and see them. It was strange… After more than five years of talking to Cade, he had become closer to him that he ever was to somebody else. Not his wife, a friend at most and in their better days. Not his family. Hell no.
He headed for the exit and for his apartment. Not home. Because, he had come to realize that that old cheesy line was oh-so-true.
Your home is where you heart is. His was with his family. Kara and Cade.
*****
Blaine was dreaming. He had to be. Do vampires even dream?
He was warmer that he remembered ever been, snuggled in the fluffy blanket with his head under one of the pillows. The drapes were closed, but he knew that dusk was fast approaching and the twilight was fading behind the heavy material guarding the window. Sun didn’t harm him. Well, much. He still preferred to sleep in the dark during the day or he woke up with a headache. And no, he wasn’t dead during his sleep. His heart was beating just fine, thank you.
A movement beside him in the bed got him on full alert, ready to apprehend and destroy the threat.
A little late to be suspicious of my presence, after I slept all night next to you.
“Cade.”
Guess that expression, “sleeping like the dead”, does apply to vampires.
“Does not! I’m just used to your presence. And you’re sneaky.”
Uh-huh.
Blaine rolled towards the warm ghostly presence in his bed, his eyes shut tight against reality. His clumsy arms lifted the blanket and lingered a few centimeters away from the skin he should have been able to touch, but never could. He could feel Cade’s touch, his hands a hot spot on his chest. Why then, couldn’t he touch in return.
You’re too anchored here. I’m not with you, you can’t touch me here, you can only reach for me where I really am. Doesn’t make much sense, I know.
“I hate it when you peak in my brain.”
Cade laughed and Blaine’s body responded to the other’s man teasing fingers traveling down his abs.
No, you don’t.
You want someone to know you inside out. Damn it, why do you flinch
every time I try to get closer?
Blaine
stood still, afraid to even breathe too hard. He hadn’t moved at
all. Well, his body hasn’t moved, but internally, he was running
scared from Cade’s intuitive truths. He signed and willed his body
to relax in Cade’s tight embrace.
“I’m trying. This…this is new to me. Me and Amy, we were friends. You and me…”
Blaine paused and he felt as if Cade was holding his breath, waiting for him to finish. He opened his eyes briefly, looked at the clock. Eight in the afternoon. He was fooling himself, he had just wanted to check once more that Cade wasn’t beside him and that he was indeed awake. And now he was avoiding to finish that sentence.
“We feel different. You are my friend, Cade, probably the best I’ve ever had. And you are different from a friend. Sometimes I feel like you are a part of me and that’s when I start to doubt you are real.”
The ghostly body trembled and Blaine tentatively reached to touch. His fingertips sizzled as if passing through an energy field and his chest constricted with hope. He reached further and wished fervently for it to work this time. His hand slipped through the dense air and landed on the sheet. He grimaced and told himself how stupid he was for still trying.
Oh, Blaine. You are torturing yourself. I am here. I can touch you. You just have to let go and feel me. There will be a time when you would touch back, that I know for sure.
Cade followed his words with a gentle and somewhat hesitant kiss at the corner of Blaine’s mouth. They have never kissed before. The sexual tension was there, always lingering the background of each of their conversations, each comforting hug. But Blaine had never thought of himself as being gay or bisexual. If things were different maybe he would have been troubled by this new discovery about himself, but in the grand scheme of things, it was almost of no importance. Being kinda murdered and watching your daughter being slaughtered had brought things into perspective. Sexual orientation was irrelevant. Story of his life, actually. He had been with only two women. Amy and a short fling after her death. As a vampire, he was afraid to get to close to humans and risk his secret being discovered. He didn’t acknowledge all the women he had fucked while under Drake’s influence. That wasn’t him. Those memories didn’t felt real, they were like a movie playing in his head with him as a spectator only. After Cade had come into his life and reminded him of who he used to be, sexual release has become the least of his concerns. Or that should be the case. Except Cade was frustrating him to the max. He had his touch imprinted in his skin. He earned to taste him, to wrap himself in his smell. To do things he never dared to imagine.
So no, he didn’t have any problems with kissing Cade. Quite the opposite.
Cade interrupted his internal musings by tentatively kissing the other corner of his mouth. Blaine felt the shiver that shook the other’s man body and cursed for the thousandth time his inability to touch.
“I wish…”
I know. I know…
Cade put his hands on Blaine chest and cuddled in his arms. Blaine felt his arms being pulled around a shapely body and inhaled deeply. He could almost smell Cade. Two legs interlaced with his under the covers and his mouth was captured in a searching kiss. A probing tongue parted his lips and dwelled in, the touch lacking something to make it real but being more real that any other touch he had ever felt. What made him earn for it wasn’t the lack of contact in his life. It was that this was Cade kissing him. Cade, his friend, who had stood by him even when he had destroyed lives. Who had opened his eyes and protected his sanity. He would do anything for Cade, that was true. But this wasn’t about paying back debts or shoving gratitude. This was about that selfish part in Blaine that screamed to latch on this person and never let go. That this person completed him and felt right in every conceivable way.
A grind in his pelvis scattered his confused thoughts and brought him back to what was happening in his bed. He was used to sleep naked. Naked he was today. That miraculous hand traveled again down his chest and stopped just shy of where Blaine wanted it most. The wicked laugh teased his senses and he resigned himself to being a toy in Cade’s talented hands, his body open to any touch Cade was willing to bestow on him. A hard pill to swallow, surrendering his control to someone else, but oh…The rewards were so sweet.
He melted under the slow caresses, low growls and groans filling the dark with their music. His skin was shining in the weak light, wet and tempting. Cade mouth watered at the vision Blaine was providing, knowing how hard it was for the older man to give up control over the situation. To be cared for instead of caring for someone. It was in Blaine’s nature to be the protector and the taking charge type. Him being a doctor had only developed those natural traits. All that only made him more endearing in Cade’s eyes.
He pinched a rosy nipple and savored the reaction he got in return. He wanted to look in Blaine’s eyes and see how he made him feel, but understood Blaine’s need to not open his eyes only to meet the empty air.
Cade gripped his jutting cock and Blaine barely contained a howl of pleasure. He pushed up in the tight fist, reaching for more, his back arching from the satin sheets. Blaine bit in his lower lip until blood pearled on the tortured skin. His teeth were lengthened and Blaine shivered thinking about what he could have done if a warm body would have been next to him in that moment. Maybe it was better this way. Because he was almost sure his need to bite would have gotten the best of him.
So what? Do you really believe you could ever hurt me? I don’t. Trust yourself, you did enough penance for your sins.
Blaine’s mind flashed back to the graveyard and the crying young woman who’s life he had destroyed. The day he had awakened and realized the monster he had become.
His arousal tempered and Cade let a groan of frustration.
You have the worst timing. We were getting busy here, remember this ?
The grip on his dick tightened and he inhaled sharply. Sure, he remembered now.
“I can’t imagine why you have so much faith in me. You shouldn’t.”
I should. I see you. All of you, not just the shell.
The hand stroked up and down his shaft in a rhythmic movement. His brain short circuited and all lucid thoughts fled.
Good. We need this. Remember this.
More friction, the heat level rose and Blaine arched again, caught in the feeling. The soft touches of skin on skin tortured him with the reminder that he couldn’t reach out to grab the firm body, now pressing him in the sheets. A moan echoed in his head, and Blaine could tell that Cade was touching himself at the same time he was torturing him. The pace picked up and soon he was pushing up, desperate for a release. It exploded from within, taking him by surprise. He trembled and felt jets of warm liquid painting his stomach. Above him, another ethereal body trembled and tensed for a second, before melting on him like a warm blanket. Blaine was lucky that he didn’t actually need to breath because he was sure he had forgot how to.
He could even get the impression of coarse hair in some of the places they touched. It was so real that he forgot for a moment that he was still alone.
*****
Ow…shit. Blaine, wake up.
Wake the fuck up.
“I though my conscience wasn’t supposed to swear.”
I’m not you conscience, I told you to stop with this nonsense.
“To good for you to be real…”
Blaine groaned at the pounding in his head. Contrary to myths, vampires could drink. And get drunk. Only on slightly different substances.
Oh, I wish I wasn’t. This is really not the moment for you to get all depressed again.
“Huh?”
Blaine sensed a sharp pain in his kidneys area and then Cade let out a pained cry reverberate in his head.
“Hey, what’s happening?”
I’m busted, that’s what.
Another pain, his eye this time and a gasp.
Sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll cut the connection in a minute, I just have to tell you…
Another hard kick hit his plexus, and Blaine was sure something had cracked before his fast healing took care of it. My God, what was this doing to Cade? His hands gripped on the sheet so hard that it ripped like a sheet of paper.
“Where are you? Tell me right now!”
He got no answer and the silence was emptier than ever before.
“Cade, don’t fuck with me.”
He jumped from the bed and was already pulling the clothes on . His fingers were trembling so hard that he didn’t even try to close the small buttons of his shirt.
The pain was striking now various parts and was so strong it brought him to his knees.
Sorry , sorry…
“Where are you? Where?”
To late, tooo…Ugh!
“Hey! Don’t stop talking, don’t die. Don’t you dare die on me! Damnit Cade!”
Blaine gulped and tried to stand up in spite of the blows he was receiving through his mental connection with Cade. God, he really hoped Cade wasn’t human. He knew no human could survive this kind of beating. He was close to hyperventilating and in his panic he stormed out the door without even noticing his lack of shoes.
Listen.. Kara…will…uh…come.
Cade’s voice was fading and the gasps started to quiet. The numb sensation that washed over Blaine hit him harder that all the blows.
“No! No…. don’t die ..p..please. I …I need you.”
He was crying now, he knew Cade was gone. He could not feel him inside anymore. The pleadings and prayers would not help, he knew better than anyone. He had sworn never to beg for anything. He was begging now.
A sensation of warmth and well-being washed over him and he lifted his head sensing something watching him. A lean young man with mussed russet hair was staring at him with longing in his sad blue eyes.
He stretched his hand to touch and it passed right trough the glowing translucent body.
“No!”
He knew. This was the face of his Cade.
Don’t cry. It hurts to see you sad. Kara will come soon. You’re not alone anymore. You never were.
Blaine couldn’t understand. Why? He needed Cade. No. Not dead. Please no. He wasn’t hearing anything,just the screams that echoed in his head. Cade’s screams mixed with his own.
“I need you. Only you. You. Please. I …beg you. Stay.”
I can’t. I’m already gone. Don’t come for me. You don’t need to see this.
Cade’s image blinked and his stormy eyes focused on something elsewhere.
“No! PLEASE.”
We were supposed to belong…
The words were fading and the image began to blur like fog on a misty morning. Blaine fell to his knees in the shiny hallway of the hotel that had been his home for the last couple of months, blind to all the stares and the people rushing to get away from the crazy man.
“No, no , no…please…NO!”
A last whisper and a soft kiss on his trembling mouth. Blaine’s eyes closed to the world, the tears streaming freely on his anguished face.
I’ll come back. I’ll find a way. I’ll always come back to you…love…
*****
End of First Book
Sneak a peak at Book Two, Never let go: To loose and to Choose
“Daaad!”
Blaine ignored the tone and continued to scroll down the web page.
“I hear you just fine. Yelling is unnecessary.”
“ Oh, I actually think yelling is very much necessary. What are you doing now again? It’s Friday night. Have you eaten this week?”
Vampires needed blood at least once a week. Blaine needed it once every two weeks due to the special cocktail of blood that had infected his DNA and made him a vampire. He was only twenty years old in vampire terms, but was at master vampire level already. And he drank human blood only once a month or so. Animal was filling enough the rest of the time. Kara though, needed to feed every two days. Her transformation had been accidental, from a scratch when she had fought the vampires, and she hadn’t had enough of the vampire’s blood to make her stronger. It was a miracle she had even crossed when the process had began. He had always suspected Cade had something to do with it but Kara said she didn’t remember. Thinking of Cade made him frown and his concentration broke. Ten years since his death and simply thinking his name still made him pause at the pain. He abandoned the rummaging for info that he was religiously doing on the net these days and turned to Kara.
“I thought I was being the parent here.”
“I may look fifteen, but I’m thirty. Get used to it.”
Blaine suppressed the smirk, knowing how much Kara loathed the age subject. Mainly because she was always getting carded in clubs.
“You’re making me feel old.”
She smirked and winked at him with an expression he had sometime saw in his mirror.
“You are old. And grumpy. But you keep well.”
A notification blinked on the screen and Blaine turned quickly to his work. No luck so far with finding Drake’s whereabouts, but he wasn’t giving up. Even if he took him a lifetime. He had time.
“I appreciate your concern, Kara, but I’m okay. You go ahead and take care of…your business.”
Kara was still his baby and he wasn’t comfortable with going clubbing with her. Or seeing her slip the tongue to some guy. As a father, he had the urge to rip some heads when he saw things like that. It was safer to just avoid potential dangerous situations, considering that for him disemboweling was quite an easy feat to accomplish.
Looks like today Kara was on the roll. The computer’s screen darkened without a warning and Blaine slowly turned a dark glare on his bratty daughter. Kara was dangling the cable with the same mischievously smirk shinning bright.
“Don’t try to intimidate me. You weren’t doing a good job when I was fifteen, do you actually think that superpowers make you more threatening? Think again. Now, you are not fine. You’re cooked up in here, ogling at that damned screen and pulling your hair out since the day you came home with the blasted machine.”
She flinched at his look this time. Sometimes his daddy mask slipped and Kara could see a trace of the predator he was. She wasn’t afraid and never would be. But wary when she pissed him off (like now)? Hell, yeah.
“What I do is none of your business.”
He lost quickly the cold demeanor and his face slacked in a sad and tormented expression.
“Kara, you know I can’t stop until I finish this. You know better that anyone why I do this.”
“I thought I did.”
He didn’t care much for her probing. True, in the last couple of off years he had been rather focused on finding Drake. Since the day Kara had entered in his motel room and gave him a reason to continue fighting, he hadn’t stopped and looked back. He didn’t need to, the past was still keeping him company at night.
“Dad. Cade…”
Blaine closed his eyes, willing her to shut up.
“Don’t say it. Just don’t.”
“I have to. Cade is dead. As much as I would love for it to be a lie, it isn’t. I was there. I saw him drop to the ground broken. I watched, powerless to get faster to him. He was my friend too. And you aren’t responsible for his death. He. Is. Dead. You aren’t.”
Kara didn’t saw him move. One blink of an eye later and he was in her face, snarling angry. She controlled her instinct to flee, keeping in mind that this…he was still her dad.
“I. Know. That. You think it was bad for you? Imagine how it would be to feel every blow, every pain, every emotion. Imagine how it would be to feel someone you love die. Imagine how it is to love someone you never touched or saw. You hope every day that you will someday know his face, touch him, taste his smile. And then you feel him being taken away. Beaten to dead. Because of you. Because you somehow let slip some tidbit of information that got him killed. And you still can’t touch him. You never even touched him once.”
Blaine ignored his daughter’s shock and squeezed his eyes shut, hiding the building emotion and his tears. He had never told Kara about Cade. About them. Has it even been a “them” to talk about it?
“Still think I should just forget it and move on?”
“I…you…Cade? You and Cade? But… Oh my god!”
About the author:
I'm twenty-four
going on fifty and bored to death living in a city in a forgotten
country called Romania. I spice my life by reading all that I get my
hands on (with an unhealthy predilection towards more pervy genres
like erotic literature and addictive m/m stories).
As for
writing, I've started doodling at the age of seven, at eleven I
shocked my lit teach with a sci-fi short love story(by then I was
well acquainted with my mom's hidden stash of Sandra Brown and Sidney
Sheldon) and proceeded to take a short break in my literature
career...lol. Finally, after like fifteen years of avid reading I've
said what the heck, and started writing again. Now I'm hoping my
readers will be harder to shock.
Discover other titles by Aeryn Jaden at Smashwords.com: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/aerynjaden
You can find out more about my ongoing projects on my livejournal page : http://aeryn13.livejournal.com/