GLBT Ebooks: Free ebook sample of "The Dance My First Love" by Kristy Cato

Contents

On My Own 3

A New World 8

Wow: What Are These Feelings 10

The Plans We Made 33

The College Years 38

Something Just Doesn’t Feel Right 42

New Friends Aren’t Always Good Friends 57

She’s Back And Things Aren’t Always As They Seem 78

Whoever Said You Can Go Home Again Lied 90

I Will Never Be The Same Again 98

The Dance Is Over 106

I Never Knew It Could Be Like This While I Am 127

Missing You

Under The Same Roof 144

A Familiar Town But Things Are Not The Same 169

Goodbye My Love 202

CHAPTER ONE

ON MY OWN

Imagine being 6 years old, standing on a stage looking out toward a room full of parents gathered to celebrate the first of what will likely be just one of many achievements, a child’s first graduation. Kindergarten in California is an exciting time; not just for kids who get to wear white robes and receive little awards to signify their moving on to first grade, but also for parents who bring flowers as they arrive, some with neatly wrapped boxes as gifts of celebration in honor of this special day. It can also be a sad day, especially for one little girl who woke up on this special day knowing that before leaving for school, her mother wasn’t home, nor was she anywhere to be found.

That was me, Carrie. Looking back now, I wonder how I was able to get myself up, make myself a bowl of cereal, take a shower, brush my sandy brown shoulder-length hair and head off to school to my graduation. I was young and very used to taking care of myself. My mother was either drunk or hardly ever around. As with most young girls, I was a sweet girl who needed to be loved, and I continually looked for it from my mother, but couldn’t seem to ever get it. It became easy to become a quiet and reserved young girl, because I didn’t have much interaction with other kids. I was petite, I had the prettiest walnut brown eyes as I was often told, and I always kept a smile on my face. I can recall hanging onto the hope inside that one day my own mother would see this in me, and that one day she would love me. I did well in school, kept my room clean and stayed out of her way, as a way of trying to make her happy. I loved my mother and this was the only way I knew of to show her that. Most importantly, I wanted to spend time with her. I recall getting to school where tables were being set up in the room for everyone attending. On top of the each table were the names of all the kids’ parents. All of us kids were asked to stand in line and give our family’s names and the number of chairs we would need for our family members.

My teacher noticed that I was not in line. When she finished with all the other kids, she walked over to me and said that I needed to give my family count and their names, so my table could be set up. I looked up at my blonde headed teacher whose shoes were slightly worn and whose dress I remember having static cling at the bottom; she stood only about 5 ft’ 2” tall. I said, “My mom is my only family member and she can’t make it.” She was kind and said to me, “Well then, you can sit with the teachers until it is time to go on stage.” I felt nervous, but I said, “Okay, thank you” while all the teachers gave their speeches and served us punch and cookies. I looked around the room at all the kids having a good time with their families, wishing it was me. After graduation was over, I walked home. I was a latch key kid, so when I’d get home, I would have to let myself in. I arrived home to find that my mom still wasn’t home. I don’t even think she came home the night before; she did that a lot, which meant most of the time I was on my own. I sat down to watch TV, hoping my mom would be home soon to make some dinner, but by 8pm when she still wasn’t home, I decided to make myself a peanut butter sandwich. I had to scrape the mold off of the bread because mom hadn’t gone food shopping in while. There was nothing to eat really other then cereal, a jar with barely any peanut butter left in it, and a little bit of milk which I was saving for my cereal in the morning. Growing up, I didn’t really have a bed time because mom was hardly ever home. When she was, she would just send me to bed when one of her boyfriends was with her, or when she didn’t want to be bothered with me. Although my mom would go through boyfriends in what seemed like every month, they were always the center of her attention. That evening, I fell asleep watching TV. It was around 1:30am when my mom came home drunk yelling at me to turn the TV off, and go to bed. Sometimes I stayed in the living room with the TV on because I was afraid to be in the house by myself, which happened often. The next morning mom was home. I tried to show her my graduation certificate, but she barely even glanced at it before putting it down on the table. There was no, I am proud of you and no, I am sorry I couldn’t make it.” Later on that day, I found my graduation certificate under a glass with water rings on it, like she had been using it for a coaster. I took it, wiped it dry and put it away. My mom was a big drinker and this made her look much older than she should have looked. I didn’t know how old mom really was at that time, but I remember her looking old to me. She could be pretty scary at times, with her dark black hair and with bags under what I assumed used to be her pretty blue eyes. She usually looked so worn out and beaten up, scary like I said, which for a little girl is not what you want to see. I spent plenty of time playing in my room by myself and did lots of reading, because I wasn’t allowed to have friends over. I wished so badly that I had a brother or sister. I felt really lonely playing on my own all the time. By the time I was 8, it became clear to me that my mother hated me, yet I didn’t know why. I remember her saying mean things to condemn me, and she put me down all the time. She told me I was a waste of time and space. I just tried to stay out of her way. I knew to never ask for anything because she always said she didn’t have any money. When I was 10, one of the girls in my class passed out invitations to her 11^th birthday party. I couldn’t believe I was invited to my first birthday party. I had never been to one, let alone had one of my own. I was so excited when I got home! I showed my mother the invitation and asked if I could go. She said “Sure.” I remember running to my bedroom to find my best dress, though I knew I didn’t have many. The dress I picked out was a pretty pink one which was bought at the thrift shop, like all the rest of my clothes. I asked my mom if we could go out and buy a present.

She said, “If you have to bring something to the party, then you can’t go.” I told her I didn’t have to bring anything, just so that I could go. I knew I wanted to bring something. So, instead of buying a gift, I got some paper and a handful of markers and made what I thought was a really pretty card. I was so proud of it and couldn’t wait until Saturday! By Friday, I double checked with my mom to make sure she was still going to take me to the party, and she assured me she was. Although the party wasn’t starting until 3:00pm, I woke up really early with excitement about going. I went into the kitchen to make myself a bowl of cereal and I noticed my mom was not home. I ate, I watched cartoons and waited for time to pass, hoping for my mother to come home. Around 1:30pm I got tired of waiting, so I decided I would get up and get dressed for the party. I grabbed my card off my dresser and sat on the couch, waiting patiently for my mother to come home. At 2:30pm, I started to get nervous. I had an ill feeling and somehow knew she wasn’t going coming home. Needless to say, I woke up on the couch later that night around 9:30pm. I got up off the couch, went into my room, took my dress off and got in bed and cried myself to sleep. I was no longer afraid to sleep in the house alone from that night on, because I realized no one would ever hurt me as much as my mom did. After that night, I never asked her for anything ever again...

CHAPTER TWO

A NEW WORLD

By the time I was 15, I was really good at staying out of my mother’s way and doing my own thing, which was to keep to myself. Sometimes I got to come home and sometimes I didn’t, it usually depended on if she needed me to stay away because of her boyfriends being at our house. Since I had no friends, I learned to be creative about where I would stay for the night. Aside from that, all I ever did was homework and listen to music in my room on an old clock radio. I also read a lot. I promised myself when I was to have kids, that I would spend lots of time with them and give them all the love I always wanted, but never got from my own mom. I knew I wanted at least two kids. Being an only child was very lonely, and I didn’t ever want them to feel the loneliness that I did growing up. I knew the kind of mom I wanted to be. I wanted to give them all the birthday parties I never got to have, and I wanted every Christmas we would someday share together to be the best that any kid would ever dream of having. I had plans of taking them to all the places my mother never took me, like the zoo or the circus. I know it seems like I should have gone to some of these places on school field trips, but it cost money to go with your class, and my mom never had any.

I was that kid who had to stay behind in the library while my class was away. One time, I was left behind and I felt so happy to find a book that told all about the circus. I had used my imagination that day to pretend that I, too, was at the circus. I was having so much fun, even as I saw all of my classmates arriving back from the field trip that day with popcorn, balloons, hats, etc. I wasn’t sure what to think. I didn’t feel sorry for myself though because, sadly, I didn’t know any different. I thought this was the way it was supposed to be, and that I could just do all of these things with my own kids when I grew up. I learned to focus on my future as a way of distracting myself from the life I was in. I knew I was going to get a great job so that one day, I would have the money to take my kids places and see everything we wanted to together, for the first time. It gave me hope, something to look forward to. When I got to high school, I wanted to make friends. I remember thinking though, what was the point if I could never have them over? I did manage to meet a few boys, but never really had a boyfriend. As with most teenage girls, I kissed a few boys but nothing serious would come of it. I just wasn’t really into it. My plan was to get a scholarship to college, live in the dorms and make lots of friends. All I had to do was keep up my grades, get through the next 2 years and then I would be free to go and be happy….

CHAPTER THREE

WOW: WHAT ARE THESE FEELINGS

I was about 16 years old when I realized I was attracted to females. It was a typical day, and I had just come from my gym class when I entered the locker room to take a shower. While undressing, I noticed a girl sitting on the bench in front of the lockers. I had never seen her before. She had dark black hair and smooth olive skin. She had the looks of an actress and if she was a little taller, a model. She was slim, had beautiful blue eyes and full lips. She looked up at me and smiled, so I smiled back and said hi. She said she was a new student and that her name was Kim. She had just moved here from Arizona. I introduced myself to her and said “Hi, I am Carrie” and made small talk, asking how she liked living in the valley; well, if you call it L.A. living in the valley. She said, “It seems to be okay, so far, yet it is a little different from Arizona. I guess I will have to get use to it since I have to live here now.” Kim was that kind of girl that was cute pretty. You know, pretty and cute at the same time. She had a beautiful smile along with her pretty blue eyes. I just smiled at her and said, “I guess I better get into the shower, I don’t want to be late to my next class.” Kim smiled and said, “Yeah, I am jumping in there in a minute.” As I entered the shower, I could not get her smile out of my mind. I noticed when she entered the shower that she had a heart tattooed on her left arm with the initials C.J. I was wondering who CJ was and how she was able to get a tattoo at such a young age. As I headed to my next class, I could not get Kim out of my head. I knew she was going to be my new friend. But then, I thought no, because it would not be a good idea to have a friend, knowing I couldn’t bring her home with me. Maybe she would just be someone I would have small talk with after gym class. At lunchtime, I went to find my favorite tree to sit under, where I liked to eat and listen to music while at Encino High. Encino High School is full of famous actors, actress’ kids, some snobs, some trying to change the world, and some trying to follow in their parent’s footsteps, by becoming famous. Then, you had your punk rockers, and hippies, etc. I never really made efforts to make friends at school. God forbid if I brought one home, because my mother didn’t really want me there, let alone to bring a friend home. But now, I had met Kim. Sitting under the tree that day, I was about to take a bite of my sandwich when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I looked up to see it was Kim and her pretty smile looking down at me. She said “Hey, can I join you, or is this tree reserved for only you?” I smiled back. “No, please, join me.” She sat down and we talked about her old school in comparison to this school, and why she moved here. It turns out she was actually born here in Los Angeles. Her mother was an actress who had been in a sitcom some years back. Kim’s mom was trying to get back in to show business, so they moved back to Los Angeles to try her luck again. Kim was really down to earth; she didn’t seem shallow like lots of the kids here. For the next two weeks, we ate lunch under my favorite tree. It seemed like we could talk for hours. Sometimes we did and found ourselves late for class. We loved the same type of movies and music. There was one Friday afternoon I remember well. While eating lunch, Kim asked what I would be doing for the weekend. I said “Not much, just hanging out and listening to music.” She said, “Why don’t you come over for the weekend? My mom is going to New York and I hate to be alone.” I told her I would check with my mom, knowing that my mom would love to get me out of the house. That Friday evening, my mom dropped me off on her way to her boyfriend’s house. We pulled up at a big house on the corner of Bob Hope Drive. I had no idea Kim lived in such a big beautiful house. Even my mom said, “Wow!” as I exited the car. Kim came running out to meet me with a big hug. I had no idea we had moved on to affection, but I can tell you, I had never felt a hug that I wanted so bad. I introduced Kim to my mother and as my mother drove away, I knew I was in trouble. I had no idea what was happening to me, or my body. All I knew was that I was feeling something I had never felt before. Everything was new to me. I was 16 and still a virgin. Sure, I had kissed boys before, but never really felt anything. There is a feeling you get tingling inside your tummy that I was just discovering. This excited me and also made me nervous. All I knew was I had to watch myself, and I knew that spending the whole weekend alone with her was going to be hard. I loved being around her and she was always so sweet. As I entered her house, I was blown away as I stood there in her very large foyer. While I was looking around, I noticed a large picture of very pretty women in the foyer that looked very filmier. I asked who it was. She said it was her mother who she hardly got to spend any time with lately, and that they were very close. When I looked at the picture again, I realized it was the famous Actress April Springs. I had no idea. I mean, Kim said her mother use to be an actress, but I guess I never figured it was April Springs. I use to watch her show all the time! She played the part of a teenager who was always getting in trouble on a sitcom, back before I was even born. I use to love watching the re-runs. I had also seen her in a few movies, and now, here I am in her house! I was careful to not touch anything. As we passed through the living room, there were all kinds of family pictures. There were a lot of Kim as a little girl, but I did notice there was no sign of her father around. I could understand and relate, since my father was not in my life. My mother once told me my father had left her before I was born, which made me wonder if he even knew I existed? I still yearned for the day my mother would tell me she loved me, but so far it had not happened. Hearing Kim talk about her and her mom being close got me thinking about the one time I told my mom that I loved her, hoping she would say it back to me. She was dropping me off at school, which she didn’t do very often. It was raining and I had a project I needed to turn in. I didn’t want it to get wet. So, after begging her to drop me off at school, I opened the door to get out of the car. I thanked her and said, “I love you mom” but, she yelled to close the door and said “You’re letting the rain in!” and then drove off. Because the rain was pouring down on me, no one could see I had tears rolling down my face, knowing she would never love me. Kim’s house was so beautiful and I really was afraid to touch anything. We headed for the kitchen where she had set out a bunch of snacks for us, and she also had movies out for us to watch. All the movies were classics. My favorite, “Imitation of Life” along with “A Place in the Sun,” which I can’t tell you how many times I’ve even seen that movie. I just loved Elizabeth Taylor. There was another one I had never heard of called “Children’s Hour.” “Imitation of Life” is a very long movie, which took up most of the night. We fell asleep in front of the TV and when I woke up in the morning, I could smell breakfast cooking. It was a nice change from my house. It seemed like I had to pray every morning, hoping that there was cereal to eat at my house. When I went into the kitchen, there was a short round woman cooking. I walked in looking for Kim and said, “Hello, I am Carrie.” The woman looked at me and said, “Yes, you’re Kim’s friend and she should be out of the shower soon. I am Rosa, the maid and cook. Are you hungry?” I said, “Yes ma’am, thank you.” She smiled and said, “Have a seat at the table and it will be right over.” While sitting there, all I could think about was last night during the movie. I was wondering if Kim ever noticed how many times I looked over at her pretty face, and if she suspected anything about how I was feeling about her. As Kim entered the kitchen she said, “Good morning sleepy head.” I came out of my daze and said good morning back to her. She said, “Are you ready to eat? Rosa is my favorite cook! You will love her food. Rosa cooks for me whenever my mom’s out of town.” All I could think was this was so great. I never got a cooked breakfast at home. I always just had cereal, or nothing. Then, I thought about what she said, how Rosa cooks for her when her mom is out of town. So, I asked Kim, “Does your mom cook for you?” and Kim said, “All the time.” I asked, “When does she have time? Doesn’t she have to work and go to meetings?” Kim said, “Yes, but my mom puts me before all of that.” I just looked at her thinking, as busy as her mom gets, her mother still has time for her. It must have been obvious I was sad, as I sat there not being able to remember one single day that my mom put me before anything, because Kim asked me “Are you ok?” I paused and said, “Yes,” acknowledging her and tried to just enjoy eating breakfast with her. That afternoon, we headed to the mall in Kim’s car. I thought it was cool that she had her own car. We basically window shopped, as we talked and laugh the afternoon away. It was like there was no one else there, but us. I just couldn’t seem to get enough of Kim. She also had this uncanny way of touching my hand. Every time she touched me, I got this tingling feeling inside of me. She took me to the movies and during the whole movie, she held my hand. At one point, she put her head on my shoulder. We went back to her house that night and fell asleep while watching “A Place in the Sun.”

The next morning, my mother picked me up early. I spent that entire Sunday afternoon daydreaming about Kim in my room, as I listened to music trying to get my homework done. Kim and I hung out all the time after that. I would spend the night over her house a lot. As time went by, we got to know each other a lot better and I was falling in love with her. When she found out I didn’t have money as she did, she would take me to the movies, out to lunch, and different places. I really didn’t care where we went; I just wanted to be with her. She had no idea that she was taking me to places I had never been before, like something as simple as a restaurant. My mom never took me anywhere, so this was all new to me. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know about all these different places, because I would see them and read about them in books. I was a big reader, because it was the only way I got to experience things before I met Kim. The only places my mom had ever taken me was a thrift shop for school clothes, which was exciting to me, and I got to wait in the car once while she went into the bar where she worked, to pick up her paycheck. I think I was 6 years old at the time. I was having so much fun with Kim and really enjoying seeing new things and places that I had read about so many times. I felt happy. It wasn’t until one day at school, when I was walking down the hall to my school locker that I spotted Kim talking to a boy name Mike. Mike was known as the football star in our school. Everybody knew he was a ladies man, but he was so charming. Even after he would dump girlfriend, everyone still loved him and only had good things to say about him. To see them standing there talking made my heart drop. I could no longer feel anything. I suddenly went numb. I couldn’t comprehend what she was doing, or why she was talking to the guy known for sleeping with girls, and then dumping them. I walked to my locker, got my books, and headed to my first class. I ignored her when I heard her call my name, as I entered the classroom. I was so hurt, but I couldn’t let her know so I tried avoiding her. My plan was to act like I didn’t hear her, once she caught up with me later in the day. I didn’t eat at my favorite tree that day, knowing Kim would or should have met me there. I hid out in the library. I also skipped gym class. If I didn’t, I would run into her there and didn’t know what I would say. Would she be able to tell she was breaking my heart? Would I be busted? All I wanted was her time, and now here I was, hiding from her. I didn’t want to share her with anyone. I began thinking this was the end for us. My mind was already playing tricks on me. When I got home, my mother was sitting in the living room with Kim. I was completely surprised and not prepared to see her. Here I thought I had made a clean break, yet as I walked through the door, Kim looked up and said, “Hey, busy bee, I have been looking for you all day.” All I could say was, “Oh yeah, I was really busy today.” As we walked back to my room, I could feel her hand trying to hold mine, but I just pulled away.

When we reached my room she closed the door and asked, “Are you mad at me?” I said, “No, why would you ask that?” Kim was quick to reply. “Well, let’s see, I called your name in the hallway today and you ignored me. Then, you didn’t show up for gym, the only class we have together. You also didn’t meet me under our tree at lunch time, and now you’re acting funny towards me.” I liked the fact that she was calling it our tree now. I said, “Wow, that’s a lot Kim. I can see how you would think something is wrong.” I covered my tracks by saying, “Well, let’s see. I didn’t hear you call me and my tummy was hurting, so I went to the nurse and laid down. That’s why I wasn’t in gym class or at the tree for lunch. What did you want?” Kim said, “Talk about wow! Do I have to want something? Aren’t we friends? Haven’t we been hanging out for the last few months? Oh, let me guess, you’re sick of me Carrie. Is that it?” I tried to stay calm and said, “Kim, it’s just been a bad day I am sorry. I just need to lie down for a while, then, I’ll be fine. I’ll call you later.” While I was saying this, I was basically pushing her out the door. After she left, my mom came into my room and said, “I don’t want a bunch of people coming over here. Do you understand?” and I said, “Mom, it was just one friend.” She repeated, “Do you understand?!” and I replied “Yes ma’am.” As I had always known, I could never have friends over without my mom getting upset. After she left my room, I went back to thinking about Kim. I was now thinking I needed to put some space between us. What if she starts to suspect something? There is no way that I wanted her to find out a girl liked her. What would happen if she did? Would she tell her mom? Would her mom tell my mom? That was it! I needed to avoid her like the plague. But how, without her knowing I was falling in love with her? How do you all of the sudden stop hanging out with someone you have been hanging out with everyday for the last few months without hurting their feelings? I came up with a plan. I pretended to be sick and did not go to school for the next two days. That gave me some relief, knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with her for the next four days.

The weekend would come on the day I would be feeling better, so all I had to do was come up with a new plan by Monday. During the weekend, I found myself wondering if she was going on a date with Mike. What are they going to be doing if she did? And why, after all the rumors she’d heard about him, would she even go out with him? Is she going to kiss him or fall for his charming lines and sleep with him? Sometimes my mind would begin to wonder like crazy. I wished it was me going on that date with her, kissing her or even just holding her hand. I was starting to miss her. But just when I started to get mad at the thoughts of her and Mike, someone knocked at my bedroom door. It was her! Kim had a bag in one hand and a movie in the other hand. I knew my mother wasn’t going to be too happy with me having Kim over again. I soon learned though that Kim had called my mother to see if it was okay to come over. When my mother told her I wasn’t feeling well, she told my mom she wanted to bring over soup, orange juice, and a movie. All I could do was smile, because I was so happy to see her, but I was also wondering why she wasn’t out with Mike. She came inside and hugged me, then told me she came over to make me feel better, because she can’t deal with school without me. All I could think was what happened to Mike? Why was he not having lunch with her at school? Doesn’t she have a date with him this weekend? The movie she brought over was the one movie we didn’t get a chance to watch the first weekend I spent with her. It was called “The Children’s Hour.” It stars Shirley Maclaine and Audrey Hepburn. I had never seen this movie or even heard of it. Kim went to my mom and got a bowl. While she was gone, I was trying to think of a way to ask her why wasn’t she out with Mike. When Kim came back, she sat down and poured some soup into the bowl for me. I said, “Kim, when you found out I was sick, didn’t you make other plans?” and she said, “Well, when I found out you were sick all I did was make plans to help you feel better.” She was so sweet that way. I said, “So, I didn’t take you from any other plans you had before you found out I was sick?” She laughed and said, “No silly, you know all my plans are with you.” I sat there thinking for a minute, then, I said, “Can I ask you something Kim?” She said, “You can ask me anything your heart desires, Carrie.” I asked her, “Are there any boys at school you’re interested in?” She said, “Nope, no boys at all.” I persisted with the question by asking, “Are you sure Kim?”, as she again said “Yep, I am sure, why?” I said, “Well, I saw you talking to Mike in the hallway last week.” She sounded shocked. “Who?” she replied and I said, “You know, Mike, the football player.” I could see her thinking about it and then she said, “Oh, you mean that big guy who asked me to give a note to some girl in one of my classes? Now, why would I be interested in some big playboy when I have you to fill my days and weekends?” All I could do was smile, but I also wondered what she meant by that.

Kim put the movie in. I had a portable DVD player that I won in a writing contest that I entered during my freshman year. At first, I had no idea what was going on in the movie. But then, I soon caught on to the fact it was about a woman who was in love with another woman, her best friend. All the other women just wanted to be friends. Just as it I realized what the plot was, I blurted out “Oh, that poor woman!” and Kim smiled, then she leaned in and kissed me, dead on my lips. Oh my God! My heart was pounding so hard I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Her lips were so soft, like nothing I had ever imagined.

That was it, I was in love. She looked into my eyes and whispered, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do that?” I effortlessly said, “I love you Kim.” I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw your smile. She said, “I love you too, Carrie. I’ve loved you since that first weekend you spent at my house.” I said to her, “Why didn’t you tell me then, Kim?” She said, “I did; every time I held your hand, every time I smiled at you, and every time I spent a day with you.” I said, “But, you spent every day with me up until Tuesday.” Kim said, “I know, Carrie. That’s how I tried telling you, by showing you. Would you rather me tell you or show you?” I really wanted her to say it, to say that she loved me, since no one ever had. I said, “Well, what took you so long to kiss me Kim?” She said, “I had to wait until I knew it was ok” and so I asked “How did you know it was ok to kiss me?” She replied, “By the way you reacted to the movie. Now, let’s get you better, Carrie.” I said, “Um, Kim, don’t be mad at me please, but I am not really sick.” She looked at me with a look of surprise and said, “You’re not?” I said, “No, it was more like heartbroken. You see when I saw you talking to Mike in the hall way, I thought you liked him and that you two were getting together. But now that I know the truth about everything, I feel that it’s okay to tell you.” She said, “Tell me what?” and I said, “I am in love with you.” Kim smiled at me. “You are so cute, I love you too!” then, she kissed me again. “So, what do we do now?” I asked and Kim didn’t hesitate. “Well, if you will have me Carrie, I would like to be your girlfriend. My mom is going to New York next weekend and you can come over and we’ll celebrate. What do you think?” I said, “I think next weekend can’t come fast enough!” and we both laughed. Kim left around 8:00pm that night. Soon after, my mom came in my room and shouted, “Didn’t I tell you I didn’t want a bunch of people over here?” and I said, “Yes, but mom I never have a bunch of people over, it’s just one friend.” She said, “Next time I am going to put you and your friend out, and see where you have to live!” then, she slammed my door and left my room. I knew she meant what she was saying, because she had done it several times before. The first time was when I was 8. One of her boyfriends didn’t like kids, so she made me find somewhere else to go for the night. I went back to my school and slept in one of the big tires they had on the playground. I was so scared, but I didn’t have much of a choice. I prayed most of the night, asking God to keep me safe and to let me be able go back home the next day. I told him I was sorry if he was doing this because I am a bad girl that I would try harder to be good. The next day I waited around the corner and watched until her boyfriend left, when I knew it was safe to go home. This was something I had to do often. As the days went by, I started to get more and more excited to see Kim, but I was worried at the same time. I didn’t know what to do and felt nervous because I had never had sex before. I began to wonder if she would she would be okay, does she know what to do, and had she ever had sex before? All I knew was that I loved her and I wanted everything to go right. The bell rang at 3:00pm Friday and school was over. I was going home with my new girlfriend to make love for the very first time. I walked to the front of the school where Kim was waiting for me. Her mom honked her horn to let us know she was there, and so we ran to the car giggling like two little girls. Her mom had dropped us off at school, because whenever she was going out of town, she wanted to see Kim before she left. She told me that she couldn’t go anywhere without a kiss from Kim before leaving. Her mom dropped us off at their house, she gave Kim a kiss goodbye and said, “Are you sure you’re okay with me leaving again Kim?” Kim said, “Yes mom, I have Carrie. She’s going to be with me for the whole weekend, right Carrie?” and I replied “Yes, I will stay with you.” Her mom was happy for her and said, “Okay, I love you and be good girls. I will be back on Monday.” Kim kissed her mom back and said, “I love you too, mom. Have a safe flight.” Kim’s mom is gorgeous and she was one of the sweetest women that I had ever met in my life. She had this neat aura about her. Even thought she had blonde hair and blue eyes, which of course is bleached, you could tell Kim clearly got her looks from her mother. There was just something about Miss Springs that made me feel so welcomed into her space. When we entered Kim’s house, I immediately felt nervous. We dropped off our things in Kim’s room and headed downstairs to the family room. She said, “Do you want to watch movies and pig out on some junk food?” In a really somber like way I said, “Okay, sure.” She asked, “Is there something wrong Carrie?” I said no, when really there was something I wanted to tell her. She said, “Come on, Carrie what’s wrong?” but I said, “I can’t tell you. It scares me.” Kim said, “Remember, I told you that you can tell me anything?” and I said, “It’s just that I never, umm…” She said, “You never what?” and I confided in her in a shy voice, “I’ve never done it before.” Kim looked directly at me and said, “Done what, Carrie?” so I whispered to her, as if someone was around us and said, “You know, it!” She said, “Oh, you mean you are a virgin and you’re worried?” I shouted, “Yes!” and she smiled and said, “Aw, you don’t need to worry” and then started to laugh. I said, “It’s not funny, Kim” and she giggled and said, “No, it’s not. I just thought there was something really wrong, like you didn’t want to be here, or that you wanted to go home! You’re so cute, Carrie.” She leaned into me, then kissed me and said, “I promise we won’t do anything you don’t want to do; and if you don’t want to do anything at all, we don’t have too. I just want to be with you, okay?” so I said, “Okay. But Kim, I need to know something. Have you ever done it before?” She said, “Sure” and she seemed so comfortable talking to me about it. I said “But, with a girl?” and she said, “Yes, with a couple of girls and with one boy. That’s how I knew I preferred girls over boys. I was now very curious and asked, “How old were you when you first had sex?” She was very open and honest with me and said, “I was 15” and I kept asking question after question, wanting to know more about her first experience. I asked, “Was it with a boy or a girl?” “It was a boy, and I didn’t like it the first time. It kind of hurt, but the next few times it didn’t hurt much. I just couldn’t get into it. Then I met this girl, we had sex and I loved it.” I was wondering if the girl was CJ. I said, “How do you know if you’re doing it right?” She said, “Well, usually if it feels good to both of you, you know.” I got sort of quiet, trying to imagine what it would feel like. Kim was really great. She was so gentle with me and asked, “Is there anything else you want to know?” I said, “Nope, not right now.” The first night Kim and I ordered take out, and then ate lots of candy as we watched “If These Walls Could Talk, Part Two.” I thought it was so cool how she could just call up and order food. Her mother had set her up so she would never miss a meal, and Kim always made sure I ate. Even when I would go home, she would come to my bedroom window And bring food for me. It was cool she did that for me. She would call me and say, “I made some dinner and I want you to taste it and tell me what you think.” I know she did it because she knew I either had nothing to eat at home or very little. She would bring me so much and say, “Just in case you really like it, I brought you extra.” She was always looking out for me and I loved that about her. After about the third movie, I fell asleep. I was woken up to a kiss.

It was the middle of the night and Kim was awake, kissing me all over my neck. Then, she slowly worked her way down to my breast, then back up to my lips. She lowered herself onto me and began to grind on me. She was making me feel so good, there was no turning back, and I didn’t want her to stop. She began to remove my top and put her tongue on the tip of my nipple, then opened her mouth and took my nipple into her mouth. It felt so good, I started to moan and she could hear how good it felt to me, so she started to grind harder on me. I began to grind her back, but then began to lose control of my body with the excitement going through me. Then, I felt something happening to my body. I had no idea what was going on, I got scared and pushed her off of me in a sudden rush! She said, “What’s wrong Carrie, was I hurting you?” but I was so stunned so I said, “No, everything is fine.” She said, “Then, why did you push me off of you?” and in a panic I said, “I don’t know, something was happening inside of me.” She said, “Aw, baby, you were having an orgasm.” I said, “Well, it scared me and I am sorry” She said, “Carrie, it’s okay” then she started to hold me in her arms.

Since I had never had a sex talk with my mom, I had to learn everything the way I did. Kim said, “Carrie, I want you to know how much I love you. I will never cheat on you, and I will always be here for you. We can take things slow. If you want us just to be friends, then that’s ok too. But if you get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, then I can’t watch that. I am sorry Carrie, but I would have to stay away from that because I already love you too much to see you with someone else. I said, “Kim, I like being your girlfriend and I want to be your girlfriend, forever. I love you.” Kim shocked me when she said, “That’s not what I want.” My heart dropped until She said, “Carrie, you can be my girlfriend for now, but in time, I want to make you my wife.” I had never felt happier, I told her I wanted that too, and she held me for the rest of the night. I will never forget it. It was my first time having sex, my first orgasm and also the first time I ever really felt that someone really loved me. No one ever forgets their first time, whether it’s good or bad. Fortunately for me, my experience with Kim was wonderful. The next day was Saturday, and I was feeling kind of shy, but excited at the same time. We had planned to spend that night watching a movie she wanted me to see called “Two Girls in Love”. We made a pallet on the floor, got our junk food and put the movie in. It was a cute movie and it made me feel closer to Kim, because it felt like I was going through the same thing the girls in the movie were going through. It was about two young girls in high school, falling in love with each other, caught up in their own little world. As we watched the movie, Kim would softly caress me and kiss my ear and neck. When the movie ended, we began to kiss.

Kim was so gentle with me. She slipped off my pajama top and began to caress my nipple. She very softly took the tip of my nipple into her mouth, swirling her tongue all around it as I began to tingle. Slowly, she took her hand into my pajama bottoms, playing with my clitoris, feeling my wetness sliding inside of me. I began to shiver as she kissed me down my stomach. She slipped my bottoms off and then began to kiss my inner thighs. And then, it happened. Her tongue entered my insides, filling me with pleasure. I let out a loud sigh as her tongue got deeper and deeper, then her lips wrapped around my clitoris and she began to suck on it. I couldn’t control my body as it began to shiver more. As I began to thrust my pelvis, she was right there with my rhythm and it felt so good. I knew I was about to cum. I was completely taken by what she was doing to me and shouted, “Oh Kim, I love you! I am going to cum!” and then, it happened.

I was shaking, shivering and had lost all control of my body. I felt like I gave all of me to her. She was now the only person who could control how good my body felt. I knew at that point, I could not live without Kim nor did I want to. She was the girl I planned on living my life with. The next day I was so happy, I walked around grinning all day. It was my new life and there was no way I was going to let Kim get away from me. We spent so much time together it was like we were joined at the hip. The only time we spent apart was when we went to our separate classes or when I went home, which wasn’t very often. My favorite times were when we just laid in bed after making love, her caressing me, telling me how much she loved me and that she would never leave me. It was comforting to hear her say she would always be there for me. There was nothing which could make me happier than being with Kim. We talked about the future and how we would grow old together, how we would live our lives for us and not care what people thought about us as a couple. We agreed it wouldn’t be our problem if other people didn’t like seeing two girls in love which was kind of funny, considering we were hiding it from our moms. I was so far gone, Kim could have told me anything and I would have believed it. I would go anywhere with her and knew that I wanted to be with her always. She seemed to be filling all the needs I had for the love I never felt growing up. I no longer felt alone. When we were seniors, I decided it was time to ask who CJ was. We were sitting in Kim’s backyard. She was trying to talk me into swimming, or allowing her to teach me how to. I would only put my feet in her pool while she swam around. I finally got the guts to ask her about CJ. I said, “Kim, I really want to ask you something and I hope that it isn’t too personal or something you don’t want to talk about.” She swam over to me and said, “Okay, Carrie, what do you want to ask me?” I took a deep breath and said, “Who is CJ?” She just looked at me and very calmly said, “CJ was my first love. Her name is Camie James.” I said, “What happened to her?” I mean, “Why aren’t you with her anymore? Of course, I am happy you’re not, because then I wouldn’t have you all to myself.” I took her hand and held it as I said that. She said, “Well, Camie and I were kind of like you and I, until one night we were making out in her room and her mother walked in on us. Her mom made sure I wouldn’t see Camie anymore. Her family was very religious, so her parents sent her away to boarding school. I haven’t seen her since that day. That was about three years ago.” I said, “Wow, so you were only 14. That’s kind of young”. She said, “Carrie, we weren’t exactly having sex. We would just kiss and make out a little. We spent a lot of time together, but we loved each other very much.” I said, “So, you never heard from her again? Didn’t she write to you or try to call you?” and she said, “Nope, I never heard from her again.” I said, “I am sorry, Kim. That must have been hard.” She said, “Yeah, it was, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I am with you now, and I am going to spend my life with you.” I was left to wonder if she still misses her or if she still loves her, but I didn’t ask. I asked Kim if I could spend the following Saturday with her, and she agreed to let me. It was very important to me that she didn’t make any other plans. I said, “Would you mind if we spend the day at your house?” She agreed, but asked, “Why are you asking when we spend all of our weekends together?” I told her it was my birthday, that I never had a birthday party, and that I just didn’t want to spend another birthday alone. She said, oh my God, why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?” I said, “I never celebrate it because my mom never really does anything. If I bring it up to her, she just says it was the worst day of her life. She says if I can find one person that is happy that I was born, then, we can celebrate it. So, I don’t really think about it or bring it up to anyone.” I could see tears welling up in Kim’s eyes when I told her that. She knew how my mother treated me. She got out of the pool, walked over to me, hugged me and said, “Don’t make any other plans on Saturday.” When I told my mom I would be spending next Saturday at Kim’s house because it was my birthday, she said, “Oh, you mean hell day?” You would think my mom won a prize every time she made me feel bad. She did it all the time. When she said that, I just put my head down, and went to my room. I had spent the night with Kim the day before my birthday. In the morning, I was woken up to a special birthday breakfast from Kim. She brought in a tray of all my favorites, and there was a card sitting on the tray. On the outside of the card it said “Happy Birthday.” On the inside, Kim had written:

This is a very special day to me. This is the day my girl was born for me. I am very thankful and happy that my girl was born on this day. Happy birthday, baby.

Love,

Your girl Kim.

I had a tears coming down each side of my face when I read her card. I said, “Thank you, babe. That was not only my first birthday card, but it was the most beautiful card I had ever read.” Kim kissed me and said, “This is just the beginning of your birthday” then, she fed me breakfast in bed.

We got dressed, then, Kim drove us to Disneyland. We had such a good time,we took lots of pictures, and went on so many rides together. I had never been to Disneyland, so I was in awe the whole time. We got home around 8:00pm and I was exhausted. When we got in the house, Kim and I went upstairs to lay down when Kim’s mom called us to come downstairs. Kim ran down and I walked, so when I got to the dining room, they were standing there with a cake and 17 candles singing “Happy Birthday.” All I could do was cry. It was the most beautiful cake I had ever seen, and to think it was for me. That completely surprised me. It was something I never had. After I blew out the candles, Kim’s mom handed me a very pretty wrapped box and said, “Happy Birthday, Carrie.” I said, “thank you, with tears still coming down my face.” Kim got me some tissue and I tried to wipe my tears, but they just kept flowing. I opened the present, and inside were these pretty silver earrings. I hugged Kim’s mom and said, “thank you so much!” Then Kim handed me a small wrapped present. When I opened it, inside was a beautiful necklace to match the earrings Kim’s mom had given me. Knowing I wanted to kiss Kim, I settled for hugging her instead. I thanked Kim and her mom for such a wonderful birthday. Kim’s mom said she had to go out, and wouldn’t be home until late afternoon the next day. Looking back, I think she was just trying to give me and Kim some time alone on my Birthday. Of course, we made love all night. After that, Kim made sure I had the best birthdays every year.

CHAPTER 4